Going Sober

One of the biggest concerns I had when I was first quitting drinking was that I would become boring. That life would become boring. That instead of going out and having fun my life would be endless AA meetings and sitting around in the house.

It’s easy to think like that when you think of how much our culture is centered around boozing.

Go out for a meal – wine pairing
Go to watch the game – in a bar
Quiz night – in a bar

Hell if you just wanted to meet up with friends you would go to a bar.

So its not surprising that when you quit drinking you feel like there is this whole world that is now inaccessible to you. And the people in that world are doing things that you want to do but can’t because there is drinking going on. You look at these people with envy.

You have FOMO

What is FOMO

FOMO = Fear of Missing Out

FOMO is that feeling you have when you know other people are having fun and you are not.

Ellen explains FOMO:

Social media is a big reason why so many of us have this constant fear that we’re missing out.

Scrolling through your Facebook feed you are likely to see all these great photos of all your friends and family living their lives. The great nights out, the picturesque vacation spots, the tickets to big events. All of these things instill a certain level of envy in us that we are not out there doing those things.

How is FOMO relevant to sobriety

FOMO can be even worse for those of us who are trying to live a sober life. Particularly those who are newly sober.

Seeing all of these people having fun – especially where booze is involved – will cause doubts. Doubts about whether going sober is really the right path for you.

And once those doubts start to creep in, the chances of a relapse start to increase.

So what can we do to deal with FOMO in a way that will help keep us on track?

Tips for Dealing with FOMO

Remember why you are doing this

It’s important to keep a list of reasons of why you are going sober (Health, Relationship, Money, etc.).

Whenever you see something that gives you FOMO just remember the reasons why you are MO (missing out).

Maybe you see on Instagram a picture of a night out your friends are on. Remind yourself why you stopped going on those nights out. If it was me I know that if I were to go on a night out, the night wouldn’t end when the clubs kicked out. No the night would only end when I ran out of money or I passed out.

If I see that my friends are going on a night out like that I remind myself of previous nights out where I was involved and immediately my FOMO has gone.

(also the pictures from a night out are never a true reflection of what happened anyway)

Get off social media

If something is happening that is giving you serious FOMO its best to just not hear about it until its done.

That’s why I recommend just ignoring it.

Avoid Facebook, Twitter, Instagram. Whatever social media sites your friends use to upload updates of their activities.

If you find you can’t trust yourself to ‘take a peak’ then use StayFocusd to block the sites from your computer. Similar software is available on all the major app stores for use on your phone also.

Turn off group notifications on your messaging apps until everyone is back home. Leave your phone on for calls in-case there is an emergency but there’s no need for you to be reading the 50 messages that all say “We are going to the next bar, where is everyone else?”.

Create your own non-drinking activities

There’s no reason why you should just sit in your house bored while everyone else is out having fun.

Just because you have stopped drinking doesn’t mean you have stopped having fun.

I’ve posted before about how hobbies are really important in quitting drinking. This is one of the times where they are especially important.

If you know an event or activity is coming up. Something that will entail a lot of drinking. And you know you cannot go for fear of a relapse. Then book something else for that day.

My friends go on weekends away where drinking is the number one pastime. They used to be my favorite trips to be honest. Now though with me not drinking it is incredibly boring for me to just sit around in a bar for a whole weekend. So I don’t go. Instead I book a separate weekend away for myself (and my SO) doing fun activities that do not require sitting indoors drinking all day.

Just last weekend we went to Dublin (super cheap flights out of NW England). I have been numerous times before but never sober. Seeing all the same places with a clear head was very refreshing.

Dublin is probably not the first city you would think of when you think of ‘sober fun’ but it really was. We caught a game of Gaelic Football in Croke Park, went to Dublin Zoo, did the touristy tour-bus through the city. It was a great weekend. No booze!

Remember that it’s not as fun as social media shows

Social media is fake. As much as we like to kid ourselves that what we post is our real life deep down we know it isn’t.

Someone said this belongs here
byu/Marky_Mark_Official inInstagramreality

Each post is just a highlight of that person’s day or life. A posed snapshot of the peak excitement. What is never shown is the boring, tedious shit that happens before or after the photo is taken.

That group photo in the bar. Not pictured is the public transport delays getting there, or the fact that each beer cost £6, or the standing around nodding to each other when the music is too loud, or the queueing in the rain for a taxi, or that one friend who gets sick or causes a fight, or or or.

I’m not saying the activities aren’t fun, I am just saying that social media makes them seem a whole lot more fun than they actually are.

So when you see your friends doing something fun. Just remember that it is probably not as much fun as social media is making out.

Just go and not drink

Easier said than done.

But not impossible.

Definitely do not attempt when you are still not comfortable in your sobriety.

But once you are comfortable. Then feel free to take part in any activities that you enjoy. Don’t let the fact that other people will be drinking hold you back from having fun.

You don’t need to drink alcohol to have a good time

Tweet This

I mentioned before that my friends take weekend trips. Sometimes these trips are not just for drinking all the time. Well they are. But sometimes there is a sporting occasion or big event that is the center-point of the weekend. When this is the case I do not let the fact that there will be drinking stop me from going on these trips. Instead I go and enjoy the event sans the booze.

To be safe I make sure I keep my relapse prevention plan up to date so if I ever feel uncomfortable I know exactly what to do.

NOMO FOMO

No more fear of missing out.

What do you do when you get FOMO? Share with us in the comments below.

Do you think you might have a drinking problem and are wondering whether Alcoholics Anonymous is the best place for you? Then this is the post for you. I am going to take a deep dive into everything AA warts and all.

This is a big post. Clocking in at over 4000 words. Once you have finished reading hopefully you will know everything you need to know about AA. However if you want to know more I have linked to a number of other places throughout so that you can keep reading to decide if AA is right for you.

Before we dive on into it I wanted to give this little disclaimer:

I regularly attend AA meetings and generally recommend them to other people. I do not however strictly adhere to the 12 step program. I mainly go to be around other people who have been through the same issues as I have. I find the frank, open sharing and conversations to be of great help to me and hope that my presence is a great help to others. As for the rest of AA’s program I very much believe in “Take what you need and leave the rest behind”.

I have tried to be as objective as possible while still providing my opinion on certain matters. Definitely keep that in mind when deciding if AA is something you wish to try.

So now let’s take a look at all things Alcoholics Anonymous:

What is AA?

“Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism.

The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. There are no dues or fees for AA membership; we are self-supporting through our own contributions.

AA is not allied with any sect, denomination, politics, organisation or institution; does not wish to engage in any controversy; neither endorses nor opposes any causes. Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety.”

That is the official version from the AA’s own website.

In simple terms AA is a gathering of people who suffer (or have suffered) from alcohol abuse problems.

Individual meetings can be started by anyone so it is unwise to expect all meetings to be conducted the same. That being said most of the meetings that I have been to have been centered around a passage from the big book and then sharing amongst the group about how everyone is getting along with their sobriety and in completing the 12 steps.

What are the 12 Steps?

The 12 step program is AA’s recommended recovery program. The idea is that working through these steps will help you in remaining sober.

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

The first thing that probably jumped out at you is the religious aspect. The number of references to God and a Higher Power really doesn’t gel with the fact that AA is supposedly a non-religious organization.

This is brought up in meetings all the time. And I always hear the same answer.

“Alcoholics Anonymous is a spiritual program. You should follow the steps using God as you understand him. If that is through traditional Christian faith then fine. If it is through some other religion also fine. Atheists or Agnostics can put their faith in anything they want, just as long as its something that is ‘bigger than them’ and something you can let go of your alcoholism to.”

When I was first trying to work the steps I took my higher power to be ‘the collective wisdom of people who have come before me’. The idea being that I was turning my will and my life over to the care of people who had been through the same struggles I had been going through.

Here is a great post that goes deeper into the 12 steps and the ‘higher power’ written by someone who is agnostic. It comes from Reddit. I would attribute the user but it appears as though they have deleted their account. Shame really as the answer is really incredible.

History of AA, the 12 Steps and the Big Book

What to expect

As I mentioned before, while AA exists as an organisation with guiding principles and programs, each meeting is different. Each meeting will be shaped by the person or persons running the meeting and their personalities will be felt throughout the meeting setup. But its not just the leaders; the people who go to the meeting, the location of the meeting, the time of day, hell even the type of building can affect how the meeting goes.

All that being said though most meetings will follow the same general format.

Before the meeting – There will be people stood around outside smoking (lots of smokers in AA I’ve found). Inside there will be people stood around talking and drinking coffee (lots of coffee is drank in AA also – or tea over on this side of the pond)

I can't wait until refraining from smoking becomes the 13th step. If I get cancer it's gonna be from sitting near recovering alcoholics.

— Carlos Abler (@Carlos_Abler) August 14, 2009

If you feel comfortable go up and talk to people. If not don’t worry just find a seat and wait for the meeting to begin.

At this point someone might notice you, particularly if the meeting is small, and ask if you are a member or just visiting.

It is important here that you answer that you are a member. This is because some meetings are only open to people with alcohol problems. These are called “Closed Meetings”. If you were to say you were only a visitor you may be asked to leave.

Other meetings are open to all people, not just members. These are “Open Meetings”. Open meetings will often be attended by friends and family, but also by people in related fields like social workers and law enforcement. People whose lives are affected by alcohol abuse but do not necessarily have alcohol issues themselves.

Remember membership only requires that you have a desire to stop drinking. Just saying you are a member will be enough. You wont be interrogated to see if you belong there.

Start of the Meeting – Whoever is running the meeting will often get everyone corralled and the meeting begins. This is usually the part were any admin is performed. If there is anything that needs to be communicated such as the building being closed for the next meeting or a change in time it will be done here.

Next comes the preamble:

“Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking”

Then they will ask if there are any new members joining this week. Feel free to stay quiet during this part if you don’t feel like speaking up. If you do speak up you will probably receive some literature and a list of local meetings. I didn’t speak up my first meeting and just went up at the end and asked for the literature. I am glad I did it this way because the following week when someone did speak up to say they were new the discussion seemed to focus on them and whenever anyone shared they would be speaking to the new person. I would find that very discomforting so I am glad I kept quiet and got my literature at the end.

The Big Book – After the admin tasks are out of the way there is usually a reading from ‘The Big Book‘.

Now depending on how your meeting is formatted there is often time after the reading for the group to discuss as a whole what they thought about the reading. There are some meetings where the entire focus of the meeting is in-depth discussion on the big book. While other meetings will breeze right past it and straight into the sharing.

Either way these discussions are usually for the whole group so feel free to dive in with any thoughts you might have. Just don’t talk over people. Let everyone have their say.

Sharing – After any big book discussion comes the sharing time. This is the part you will be most familiar with. It’s the part that you always see on TV.

“Hi, I’m Mike I’m an alcoholic”
“Hi Mike”

Now I have been to many different meetings in many different places. While I don’t share that often when I do nobody has ever made any mention of me not saying the “I’m an alcoholic” part. They have also never made a fuss about me not sharing if I did not want to. If called on I just say “no thanks I am hear to listen today” and the group moves on.

Obviously not all groups are the same, and there are dicks everywhere. AA being no exception. So your experience may differ.

If you want to share then that’s great. Just wait for an opening, introduce yourself and start talking about what ever is on your mind. Otherwise sit back and listen to others.

Shares are supposed to be about your sobriety and how you are dealing with it (possibly referring to the big book reading at the beginning of the meeting). But since people’s triggers can be pretty much anything you will find that shares will be as varied as the people doing the sharing.

Some people will talk about their family life, others their careers, others will talk about ‘the bad old days’. Whatever is going to help keep that person sober is generally allowed.

AA Serenity Prayer – “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”

There’s that God reference again. This time in a prayer as well. I’m not big on the religious feel to the serenity prayer so I give it a miss. Again nobody – in my meetings – has ever commented about me not taking part in the prayer.

I have witnessed other people replace God when they repeat the prayer. Often replacing with their higher power (as discussed earlier). So instead they would say things like

“Life, grant me…”
“Universe, grant me…”
“Faith, grant me…”

Or alternatively just skipping the God bit altogether.

“Grant me the serenity…”
“I seek the serenity…”

Other than the God bit I actually quite like the serenity prayer. It instills in us…

Acceptance – the prayer guides us to accept that some things are just not in our control. Notably our ability to drink responsibly.

Courage – the prayer tells us we should be brave, break out of our comfort zones and make our lives better where we can

Wisdom – the prayer acknowledges that sometimes the things we should accept and the things we need to change will not be clear to us so we must be smart in determining which is which.

So overall a nice positive message. In the meetings I have been to the prayer is said at the end of the meeting and then everybody goes their own ways.

If it is your first time this would be a good opportunity to speak to the group organizers and pick up any literature. Definitely ask for the local meeting guide. This will be a list of all the local meetings; when they are, where they are, what type of meetings they are (Open/Closed) and the contact details of the meeting organizers.

AA Mottos

Alcoholics Anonymous members have a ton of mottos. I don’t really know why that is but it’s true. There are tens of snappy catchphrases to describe many different scenarios.

My theory is that because a lot of the people at these meetings have such similar experiences that they are easy to categorize and saying the motto saves from having to rehash the same things over and over.

Which can sometimes be daunting for new people since they won’t have a clue what is going on. Like me when I sit in an I.T meeting at work.

Here are the most common mottos you will hear (hit the comments section at the bottom of this post and add your own!)

Take What You Need And Leave The Rest Behind

Going sober isn’t a one size fits all process. What works for me might work for you but it might not. It’s important you remember this when you are in meetings. Just because you hear someone say they did X and it helped them quit. This does not mean you need to also do X. Take the wisdom and the advice that works for you. And leave the rest.

One Day At A Time (use the 24 hour plan)

How do you eat an elephant? – One bite at a time.

How do you get sober? – One day at a time.

Some people see the big numbers and think it is just impossible. 1 year sober seems like a fantasy. But 24 hours sober. That’s doable.

So do 24 hours.

Then focus on the next 24 hours. Keep going one day at a time and that one year will have creeped up on your before you know it.

Nothing Changes If Nothing Changes

if you do what you always did you’ll get what you always got. Pretty simple really. You can’t just carry on with your life as is and expect sobriety to just happen. No you need to be proactive in your approach. Change what needs to be changed.

Keep It Simple Stupid

Sobriety is about not drinking alcohol. That’s it. Why complicate things. Try not to do too many things at once. Just focus on the big ticket item. Keep it simple.

It Works If You Work It

If you follow the steps you will succeed.

This Too Shall Pass

What ever it is we are suffering from will eventually subside. As all things that have bothered us in the past have done so.

Let Go and Let God

Basically just a different telling of Step 3. It means to let go of your worries and hand yourself over to God or your higher power.

Progress, not perfection

Pobody’s nerfect and trying to be is often worse in the long run as you start to sweat every single step or mistake. Instead of trying to be perfect just try to be better. Be better today than yesterday.

One Drink Is Too Many And A Thousand Is Not Enough

If we could stop at one we wouldn’t be going to AA. So that first drink is one drink too many. But once you’ve had that drink you will be thinking that a thousand is not enough.

Whatever I Put Before My Recovery I Will Lose

Your recovery should be your number one priority. Anything you rate higher than your sobriety will be lost if you lose your sobriety.

It’s The First Drink That Gets You Drunk

As alcohol abusers we know the first drink is just that. The first. The first of many. There is no 1 drink. So just taking that first drink is a signal saying that we are going to get drunk today.

Criticisms of AA

AA is religious

We’ve spoke about this a few times in this post. With the multitude of references to God throughout their literature, the prayers, close affiliations with churches and their foundations with the Oxford Group it’s hard to argue that AA isn’t religious regardless of what the official stance is.

Proponents of AA will tell you that AA isn’t religious and the 12 steps are not a religious program but a spiritual one. You don’t need to believe that there is a God as such but you need to have a belief in a higher power of some kind.

For me this is a distinction without a difference really. I’m not looking to have a religious (or spiritual rather) experience. I am looking to stop drinking.

But if the spiritualistic nature of the program is what works for others then I can tolerate those parts of the meeting and take what I need from the other parts.

AA teaches us that we are helpless

Step 1 – We admitted we were powerless over alcohol

This part of the program has never sat right with me. It feels counter-intuitive.

I am happy to admit that I had a problem with drinking and that it was out of control. And that if I were to drink again today that problem would resurface.

But if I am powerless over alcohol wouldn’t that mean I could not stop myself from drinking today.

If I am powerless how can I be comfortably and happily sober right now.

I think the message coming from support groups like AA needs to be about the empowerment of individuals not this depowerment that occurs. We need to know that we have the power to quit drinking.

Take back the power we have given to alcohol.

AA members can be ruthlessly over zealous

Admittedly I have never seen this myself. Every meeting I have ever taken part in has always been run smoothly and with very few exceptions full of nice, friendly people.

However you do not need to look far for horror stories about overzealous members.

Like the guy who was told he was still a junkie for taking his prescribed medicine

Or the person who told a happily sober person they would fail if they didn’t go back to meetings

Or this member who is worried about going back because of pushy zealots

All of these people have been helped by the program and are no doubt sincere in their belief, but they are so caught up in the 12 steps being the only way to sobriety that they don’t stop to think that they may be doing more harm than good in their approach.

Obviously none of these actions are condoned by AA and the people responsible would likely be shunned in any normal meeting.

Which leads us onto another issue…

AA has no quality control

All AA meetings are run with relative autonomy from the ‘Head Office’. If you want to run an AA meeting tomorrow you can do. There are no membership roles, no dues, no criteria for joining other than ‘a desire to stop drinking’.

While this has allowed AA meetings to flourish worldwide (something I am immensely grateful for) it also means that the quality of meetings can vary drastically. I have been to some shitshows of meetings in my day whereas the meeting I attend now is run really well.

It also means that, as you will in life, you are going to run into your fair share of scumbags. Like the 13 steppers or the time bullies.

AA success rate may be as low as 5%

To say the research into success rates of AA is controversial would be putting it mildly.

There are some studies saying the success rate is as low as 5%

“Peer reviewed studies peg the success rate of AA somewhere between five and 10 percent,” writes the author of The Sober Truth: Debunking the Bad Science Behind 12-Step Programs and the Rehab Industry “About one of every 15 people who enter these programs is able to become and stay sober.”

While studies by the ASAM peg the number at closer to 10%

The AA themselves in 2014 reported that 27% of members are sober for less than a year and a further 24% remained sober less than 5 years.

If the statistics behind success rates are a deciding factor for you then I highly recommend you read the studies cited in the below wikipedia article

Effectiveness of Alcoholics Anonymous

Alternatives to AA and the 12 Step Program

There are countless alternatives to AA and their recommended 12 step program. Unfortunately none of them will have the reach of AA so you may have some difficulty in finding a local meeting.

I haven’t tried any of these (with the exception of reading Allen Carr’s book) as unfortunately there are none near to me. Therefore I will just share with you the official descriptions of each and suggest that you complete further research if you are interested in learning more.

Just to note some of these are alternatives to the group support aspect of AA while some are alternatives to the 12 step program as a means of quitting drinking.

Smart Recovery – “Self-Management And Recovery Training (SMART) is a global community of mutual-support groups. At meetings, participants help one another resolve problems with any addiction (to drugs or alcohol or to activities such as gambling or over-eating). Participants find and develop the power within themselves to change and lead fulfilling and balanced lives guided by our science-based and sensible 4-Point Program®.”

LifeRing – “LifeRing Secular Recovery is an organization of people who share practical experiences and sobriety support. There are as many ways to live free of drugs and alcohol as there are stories of successful sober people. Many LifeRing members attend other kinds of meetings or recovery programs, and we honor those decisions. Some have had negative experiences in attempting to find help elsewhere, but most people soon find that LifeRing’s emphasis on the positive, practical present-day can turn anger and despair into hope and resolve. LifeRing respectfully embraces what works for each individual.”

Women for Sobriety – “Women for Sobriety, Inc., is a non-profit organization dedicated to helping women discover a happy New Life in recovery from Substance Use Disorders. Founded in 1975, the WFS New Life Program is based on thirteen Acceptance Statements which encourage emotional and spiritual growth. WFS has certified moderators and chat leaders leading mutual support groups online and in person, as well as phone volunteers available for one-on-one support. Any woman seeking an abstinent New Life is welcome to join WFS, and all expressions of female identity are welcome.”

SOS Sobriety – “Secular Organizations for Sobriety (SOS) is a nonprofit network of autonomous, non-professional local groups, dedicated solely to helping individuals achieve and maintain sobriety/abstinence from alcohol and drug addiction, food addiction and more.”

HAMS – “HAMS is a peer-led and free-of-charge support and informational group for anyone who wants to change their drinking habits for the better. The acronym HAMS stands for Harm reduction, Abstinence, and Moderation Support. HAMS Harm Reduction strategies are defined in the 17 elements of HAMS. HAMS offers support via an online forum, a chat room, an email group, a facebook group, and live meetings. We also offer harm reduction information via the HAMS Book, the articles on this web site, and the HAMS podcast. HAMS supports every positive change. Choose your own goal – safe drinking, reduced drinking, or quitting alcohol altogether.”

The Sinclair Method – “The Sinclair Method (TSM) is a treatment for alcohol addiction that uses a technique called pharmacological extinction—the use of an opiate blocker to turn habit-forming behaviors into habit erasing behaviors. The effect returns a person’s craving for alcohol to its pre-addiction state.

In a few months, most people can cut down their alcohol consumption to safe levels and many stop drinking alcohol for good. It is important to comply with the instructions at all times.”

Allen Carr’s Easy Way to Control Alcohol – “Allen Carr established himself as the world’s greatest authority on helping people stop smoking, and his internationally best-selling Easy Way to Stop Smoking has been published in over 40 languages and sold more than 10 million copies.

In this classic guide Allen applies his revolutionary method to drinking. With startling insight into why we drink and clear, simple, step-by-step instructions, he shows you the way to escape from the ‘alcohol trap’ in the time it takes to read this book.”

We have a reader review of his book on this site that you can read here

How I interact with AA (final recap)

As I’ve stated numerous times in this post. I attend regular AA meetings but I do not follow the 12 steps.

I believe that the fellowship provided by AA can be very beneficial to those in recovery and know that it is beneficial to my recovery.

I choose to bypass the spiritual (quasi religious) elements of AA and focus on the practical tips and experiences shared by fellow people in recovery.

I.e. I take what I need and leave the rest behind.

What I would recommend for others is to do the same as me. Don’t immediately discount AA because of some of the things you have read in this post. Go and try it for yourself. Worst case scenario is that you waste an hour or two of your day.

If the higher power aspect works for you then do that. If working the steps keeps you sober then do that. If it doesn’t then don’t.

Your Sobriety. Your Rules.

The first time I made a “serious” attempt at quitting drinking I lasted a grand total of 3 weeks. I was 22 years old and I had just earned my very first pay rise in work.

(If memory serves it was not a big enough pay rise to warrant any form of celebration)

To celebrate I went out for a meal with the rest of my team from work who had all received similar pay bumps. And I drank.

And that was that for my sobriety. It would be a few more years before I would make another serious attempt and a few more years after that before I fully embraced sobriety.

Had I known what I know now back then I think I may have stood a better chance during the first go around.

If you are in recovery you will know that a relapse is never very far away. A few wrong turns and – bang – you are right back where you started. In my case I should have known that I was not ready to be at a celebratory meal

That’s why it is so important to make sure you are doing everything in your power to recognize areas of weakness/temptation and make plans to prevent them becoming issues.

You can do this by creating a relapse prevention plan.

What is a Relapse Prevention Plan

A relapse prevention plan – as I am going to walk through – is usually a written document that details how to handle triggers + cravings. It also details how to make improvements in your life that will over time help to reduce the frequency and severity of your alcohol cravings.

Having a proper plan in place will allow you to recognize the early stages of relapse and take corrective action before descending into physical relapse.

Steps to Creating A Prevention Plan

1 – Identify key areas of vulnerability

a) Ask yourself these questions

– Was there certain times/occasions when your drinking was more prevalent?
– Did you drink more often with certain people?
– Where did you buy your booze from?
– Were you more likely to drink when you were feeling a certain way?
– What was the cause of any previous relapses?

b) Identify your triggers

Using the answers from the previous section brainstorm a list of potential triggers.

For example:

• Going to the game with the lads
• Cooking dinner alone in the kitchen
• After a stressful day in work
• After hearing bad news

c) Create a trigger treatment strategy

Using our examples above you could write:

• Going to the game with the lads – Stop going the game until I feel more comfortable
• Cooking dinner alone in the kitchen – Ask for help with the cooking
• After a stressful day in work – Take the dog out for a walk as soon as I get home
• After hearing bad news – Call my sponsor as soon as I get bad news

For all of your identified triggers come up with a treatment strategy that you can enact to help you deal with them.

2 – Manage your cravings

Cravings are the urges that you have telling you to drink again. Often they are brought on by triggers like we discussed above. But not all triggers will make themselves obvious to you. So you have to come up with ready to go solutions for when a craving strikes.

E.g.

• Take a walk
• Meditate
• Call your sponsor (or a friend)

When I first stopped drinking whenever I was craving a drink I would stop what I was doing and go for a run up and down the street. When I came back I was too tired to think about drinking (man I was out of shape back then!)

Video footage of me when I had a craving to drink via GIPHY

Now if I feel myself needing a drink I do something to distract myself. Most often this is sitting down and playing a game. After killing some bad guys the thoughts of drinking have all gone.

Write down some strategies for overcoming cravings. Try to include what you would do in different environments (e.g. work, home, out with friends, etc.)

3 – Build up a support network

Managing triggers and cravings as and when they come up is good for a start. But you can’t live your entire life by avoiding people and places. Or like me by sprinting up and down the street every hour because you are jonesing for a drink.

You need to change the things in your life that were causing you to drink. The first place to start is by building a support network.

Who is going to help you on this journey AND just as importantly who is not.

You will find that some family & friends will be very helpful, supportive and nurturing. And some. Well not so much.

Unfortunately – at least at the beginning – you need to cut these people out. If they are going to jeopardize your sobriety then they cannot remain part of your life.

You want to remove the negative influences and increase the positive influences. This means getting more people into your circle. Finding people who have been through the same thing will be super helpful at this stage.

That is why I always recommend trying out a few meetings at first. See if they are right for you. You can also try message boards online. Or a private therapist. Find those positive influences and bring them into your support network.

Write down how you will make changes to your support network

4 – Make changes to your lifestyle

“You don’t get over an addiction by stopping using. You recover by creating a new life where it’s easier not to use. If you don’t create a new life, then all the things that brought you to your addiction will catch up with you again.”

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People with alcohol abuse issues will find that alcohol has negatively affected near enough every aspect of their lives. Personal relationships, finances, career prospects, hobbies, maybe even some legal troubles.

All will have been affected to some degree.

Once you start to improve each of these areas you will begin to appreciate sobriety even more and will find yourself less likely to relapse as time goes on.

When I quit drinking for good I set out to improve each aspect of my life.

Firstly I sorted out my finances. I was pretty much flat broke so I needed to concentrate on saving money. Luckily this was fairly easy as most of my money was going to the drink. Without that I had [relatively] plenty of disposable income to put toward debts and to get my money working for me in high interest savings and investments.

Next – career. I felt that there was probably no recovering from the negative impression colleagues and bosses had of me at my job. I was always going to be known as the guy who was constantly late. Always tired and fairly unreliable. Even when things turned around and I was on time and extremely helpful and productive these negative impressions would remain. Basically I had very little chance of moving up within that company’s structure. So I moved on. In the months leading up to leaving I studied for, and attained, professional qualifications in my field and used those as a jumping off point to move into a new company with a slightly better role (but infinitely more room for upward progression).

I even found myself time to get some hobbies so that I was not climbing the walls with boredom every night

Write down how, in your sobriety, you will make positive changes to improve the key areas in your life.

5 – Set a timeframe to renew

Once you have your Relapse Prevention Plan written out in full write an expiry date at the top. When that expiry date rolls around you start again from step 1. You might find it better to call it a “renewal” date. Like insurance on your car you are renewing your sobriety insurance plan.

The second time round you will find it much easier. Less things will trigger you. You will know how to deal with cravings. You will need less support to maintain your sobriety. And you will find that your lifestyle needs less things changed to make it better.

Once your done. Compare the old plan with the new plan and just see how much you’ve grown.

Then put an expiry date on the new one.

I recommend you increase the time periods as you become more and more comfortable in your sobriety. Try beginning with a 1 month expiry. Then moving upto 3, 6, then yearly updates going forth.

Write an expiry date onto your relapse prevention plan

I have spoken before about common triggers and how to avoid them. In that post I delved into the various ways we might be tempted into drinking. But what I didn’t do was talk about what we should do if we gave into that temptation.

If I were a betting man I would guess that from the moment of saying “I quit drinking” through to the here and now 100% of sober people have slipped up and had a drink.

Just think in your own life how many times you woke up after a particularly heavy session and said “no more”. How long did it take before you had another drink?

Exactly.

“But I only said it those other times because I was massively hungover. I’m fully on-board this time”

That’s great.

Did you know that relapse rates for people with Alcohol Use Disorder are between 40-60%?

Does not make for optimistic reading. Some good news I can tell you though. Is that I personally know dozens of happy sober people who have previously had alcohol abuse issues. Every single one of them had a slip up on their path to sobriety, but every single one of them overcame it and are now living a booze free life.

So now we know that a lot of people will slip up at one time or another. Let’s look into what can be done when we have faced a setback.

Don’t compound the setback

It’s common to think “well I’ve already broken my sobriety by having one glass. I may as well get drunk now and start again tomorrow”.

It’s my view that these feelings come from how much importance the length of sobriety appears to be in some circles.

So much focus is put on how long you have been sober for that when you slip you feel you have wasted all that time

“Damn I had 100 days sober but now I’ve gone and blown it”

Sure you may have drank but have you really blown it? Does having a drink today mean that you were retroactively drunk for the previous 100 days?

Of course not.

Don’t worry so much about the number and focus on becoming comfortable and happy in sobriety. That way if you do slip up you will be less likely to compound the error because you are less gutted about losing your streak and more concerned about getting back to sobriety.

The aim isn’t to beat some high score, the aim is to be happy with yourself and your sobriety

– Tweet this

Take ownership of the setback

“Becky invited me out for drinks its her fault”
“It’s the government’s fault for allowing alcohol companies to advertise”
“My dad was an alcoholic it’s in my genes”

By assigning blame for your drinking to other people you are saying that you hold no agency in life. You have no free will. Things just happen to you and there is nothing you can do to stop it.

Which is bullshit.

Tell Becky no. Ignore the adverts. Don’t drink just because your dad drank.

Take ownership of the setback. Tell yourself that it was you who slipped up. Then you can look at why you slipped up and take corrective action to prevent re-occurrence.

If you just say it was someone else’s fault then you can’t prevent it from happening again. When you take ownership of the slip up you take ownership of the solution.

Don’t let the lapse turn into a relapse

Similar to how you should not compound the setback you should also not treat the setback as proof that you are incapable of being sober.

You have failed but you are not a failure

Everyone is capable of a happy sober life. Don’t let a setback keep you from yours. Learn from your mistakes and try again.

Use it as a learning exercise

What made you slip? Why did it make you slip? Will it make you slip again in the future? How can you stop it from making you slip again?

When I first quit drinking I thought that I could still do all of the same things as I used to do. Just this time without the booze. I soon found out I was wrong when I was in the pub watching sports and before I knew it I was 8 pints deep and the afternoon had barely begun.

The next day when I got out of my pit I sat down and thought over the day’s events.

1. I slipped because I was in a pub. No. I slipped because I was in a pub AND I was bored
2. Given the same circumstances I was very likely to slip again
3. I had to steer clear of pubs until I was more comfortable being in a room full of people drinking
4. When I was comfortable being in pubs sober I needed to ensure I would be entertained. So either with a group of friends who can hold a conversation or when there was a really good sporting event on the telly. Preferably both.

Get help

Why do it alone. Speak to a friend. Go to your nearest or favorite meeting and tell them you slipped and are looking for guidance on what to do from here. Call your sponsor if you are worried you might slip even further. Hit the chat rooms and talk to other AF people 24/7.

Sure you might be strong enough to tackle a setback on your own. But why take the chance when there are plenty of resources around.

For those of you who have successfully navigated your way out of a setback what worked for you? Share with us in the comments below.

Very few people are successful at quitting alcohol first time around. From the people that I know who are now happily sober only one of them was able to give it up for good at the first time of asking. What ‘normal’ people don’t realize is that quitting drinking is a lot harder than just not having a drink.

Just think how many times in your own life you have said “No more. I’m quitting as of right now”. Only to find yourself with a drink in hand just days later.

This is because, while the drive to quit was there, something triggered that urge to drink. A trigger – in sobriety terms – is something that puts the urge to drink in our heads. An example would be where you are taking a walk in the park, haven’t thought about booze for days, when you see an old drinking buddy. Immediately a trigger goes in your brain and you’re thinking about drinking.

Over time these triggers occur less and less and when they do occur we have the strength to handle them. At the beginning of the sober journey though; triggers can easily turn into lapses which can lead to full relapses.

Most triggers can be categorized into one of these 4 buckets:

• Environmental Triggers
• Situational Triggers
• Exposure Triggers
• Withdrawal Triggers

Withdrawal triggers I think are the hardest to ignore. When you go through withdrawal from alcohol even at the best of times you feel incredibly shitty. The shakes, sweating, nausea, headaches. All those symptoms would go away with a drink. And that right there is the trigger.

In those moments you need to remember your reasons for doing this and remind yourself that it is not worth risking your long term happiness for some short term relief.

Let’s take a look at some of the most common alcohol triggers and see what can be done to avoid them.

Withdrawal symptoms

I’ve mentioned these already. These can be particularly brutal if you are coming off alcohol cold turkey. The worst of the symptoms should subside after a few days, however it could take months for your body to be fully detoxed.

How to Avoid: Try detoxing under the supervision of a medical professional. They will be able to provide medication that will help you through the worst of it. Also hit as many meetings as you can. It will be helpful to be around other people who have been through what you are going through.

Emotional Distress

If you use alcohol as a coping mechanism this is one you should watch out for. It doesn’t have to be some great big emotional disaster, like a loved one dying, for the trigger to happen. It could be as simple as a friend cancelling plans. Or a rejection from a romantic interest.

How to Avoid: Unfortunately emotional distresses are by and large unavoidable. You can’t stop loved ones from dying. You can’t stay at home and wrap yourself in cotton wool to avoid ever being hurt. It’s just not feasible. What you can do however is surround yourselves with a support network of friends and sober companions who you can lean on when times become difficult. Remember a friend is easier to lean on than a bottle.

Peer Pressure

There will always be peer pressure in life. You might think that it goes away once you finish school but it doesn’t. There will always be someone nagging at you like Mrs. Doyle (ah go on) to have a drink. These people are not usually doing so because they want you to fail they are just ignorant to what might happen.

(Father Ted Series 1 Episode 4 – A cracking show if you haven’t seen it)

How to Avoid: This problem you can tackle straight on. Sit down with your friends and tell them that you are no longer drinking and would appreciate it if they showed you some support while you adjust to your new sober lifestyle. Alternatively if that is not possible (maybe your friends are dicks) then avoid those people who will pressure you into drinking. Or if you cannot avoid them learn to say “No” and “I said no” and “Fuck off”. In that order.

Disposable Cash

Lots of cash in your pocket is always a great excuse to celebrate. And we know what our favorite way to celebrate is don’t we?

Yup that’s right, with booze.

How to Avoid: Give away all your money so you can’t afford any booze!

Well maybe not that. What you could do instead is invest your money. I have some of my money in a high interest savings account that takes a day or two to transfer into my current account. This way if I do need money I can have it fairly quickly however I never have more than I need on hand for the next few days of expenses.

Testing Yourself

A lot of people relapse because they want to test their self-control. They want to prove that they have conquered alcohol and can now resist ‘going overboard’.

How to Avoid: Don’t do that.

Not really a difficult one to avoid. Just remember why you quit drinking in the first place. Do you really want to risk going back to how it was before?

Old Habits

For me it was a few cans while I sat down and played games. For others it could be the pint after work. Or the glass of wine while cooking dinner. When you get into a habit of drinking at a certain time or during a certain activity just doing that activity could be a trigger to drink.

Think Pavlov and his dogs. Except instead of the food you have booze and instead of the bell you have whatever activity is triggering to you.

How to Avoid: Literally avoid it. I knew when I quit drinking that it would be hard to sit down and play games without a drink. So I didn’t play games. Sure I could have played games without drinking (as I do now) but I knew that might trigger me so I didn’t. Not until I knew I was ready. Same with that pint after work. Just go straight home. If you need a glass of wine while you cook then don’t cook, get someone else to do it. Or eat out. Or make simpler meals.

Remember you are allowed to be a little bit selfish when it comes to your sobriety (Tweet This)

Exposure

TV, Movies, Billboards, Concerts, Restaurants, Supermarkets, Friend’s houses. Alcohol is everywhere. And for some this can be triggering. When adverts for alcohol are so ubiquitous and people are drinking everywhere it can be easy for someone to relapse

“Hey, if its everywhere it can’t be that bad”.

How to Avoid: Unfortunately avoiding exposure triggers is almost impossible. All you can do is limit how much you are exposed. Don’t keep alcohol around your house. Limit your visits to bars and restaurants if you feel they may cause you to relapse. When exposure is inevitable just remind yourself of your new sobriety. Remember why you started and all the good it has brought you since you began.

What are your triggers and how do you avoid them? Share with us in the comments below.