Going Sober

Change is new. Change is the unknown. Change is scary.

Stopping drinking is a change. And it is hard. And it is definitely scary.

It is these fears that often prevent us from taking that first step and just saying “enough”. I know it took me years to come to terms with my drinking. I knew for a long time that I should stop but something was not letting me take that quitting step. Looking back now it is obvious I was afraid. Afraid of the unknown.

In this post we are going to look at what scares us the most about quitting drinking and how we can dispel these fears.

1 – I’m afraid I will become boring

2 – I’m afraid life will become boring

These together I call the boredom one-two punch. Starting with the left-hand jab of a fear of becoming boring. And rounding off with the right cross of life being boring.

Boring You
I don’t know about you but when I see a drunk guy being loud and making a fool of himself I don’t think “Wow that guy sure is interesting”.

No I just think “what a clown”.

If you think being drunk makes you interesting then you are dead wrong. You might be more reserved when you are sober (less dancing on the tables) but that doesn’t mean boring.

Alcohol lowers your inhibitions – which inevitably leads to doing things you regret. But it also leads to some pretty epic adventures. The first time I went sky diving was because I booked and paid for it while I was drunk.

(Damn was I pissed at myself when I woke up that next day)

Sober me would never have booked that, but it turned out to be one of the most exhilarating things I’ve ever done. When I became sober I forced myself to be more adventurous. I tried to think of what drunk me would do – removed the stupid ideas – and went with that.

The trick I found to keeping life interesting was to step outside of my comfort zone more often. The more I pushed myself the more fun I had. Eventually it stopped being about stepping out of my comfort zone as my life is now exciting enough without having to push myself!

If you are nervous start small. Try a new style of restaurant. Take a walk in a new area. Pick up a new hobby. Dance like no-one is watching

Boring life
If what you are doing is no longer fun without alcohol was it ever really fun to begin with?

Think about it. Was the activity you were doing fun or were you just entertained by the alcohol?

There’s no shame in saying the alcohol.

I found when I quit drinking that my afternoons down the pub became instantly boring. I thought the sports on the T.V and the conversation was what kept me coming back. But no, it was the alcohol.

So yes if you continue doing the same things and expecting them to be the same level of fun then your life might become boring.

But who said you have to do the same things now that you are sober? Now that you are not tied to certain locations (alcohol selling locations) you are free to do whatever you want.

Make your life as interesting as you want it to be.

Here’s some tips to get you started from the guys over at Alux:

3 – I’m afraid if I have to stop it means I am an alcoholic

Making the choice to stop drinking is NOT admitting you are an alcoholic (a term I hate by the way). Many people stop drinking for many different reasons.

All you need to tell yourself is that without alcohol your life will be better. It is as simple as that.

You never hear vegans say they are ex-meat eaters.

People who quit smoking don’t call themselves smokeaholics

Don’t think of it as quitting drinking. Think of it as starting sobriety.

4 – I’m afraid people will treat me differently if I tell them I am an alcoholic.

See above re: the term “alcoholic”.

After reading the previous entry this fear should be “I’m afraid of what people will say when I tell them I am not drinking anymore”.

First of all. Why tell them anything? The only people I told when I stopped drinking were my family and really close friends.

Everyone else I just gave non-committal or evasive answers:

“Want to come for a drink?” – No thanks
“Are you not drinking today?” – Nope
“Is that just a coke?” – Yup
“Why?” – Just because…How about this weather we’ve been having?

It’s up to me who I tell and what I tell them. It’s OK to be a little selfish when it comes to your sobriety. (Tweet This)

Obviously the cat will get out of the bag eventually. People will start to talk and some will just figure it out themselves. Not all of these people will react positively. I find this is more a reflection of that person’s own relationship with alcohol than any issue they have with mine. I.e. they are projecting their own problems onto you.

How to deal with these negative people?

Fuck them
(not literally)

Are they really your friend/loved one if they are not supportive of you? Cut them out of your life until they have dealt with their own issues. Make no mistake these are their issues and not yours.

5 – I’m afraid I would lose all my friends

You will not lose any friends. Only drinking proximity acquaintances.

Your real friends are the ones who you will still see when you are sober. The friends you can do other non-drinking activities with. The friends that you are happy to sit with while they drink (and you stick to the water) as the conversation still maintains your interest.

The people who fall by the wayside when you stop drinking are not your friends. They probably never were. Just people you drank with.

6 – I’m afraid that I will fail

Craig Beck, author of ‘Alcohol Lied to Me’ (available free here if you sit through his presentation), says it best in the below video:

“If you are afraid of stopping drinking in case you fail. By staying in that place you are guaranteeing you’re going to get the outcome you’re most afraid of.”

My take on failure is this.

So what?

So you tried to quit drinking and failed.

So what?

Is anything really different now than it was before? Have you actually lost anything?

No. You tried to do something and hit a setback.

Try again. Try as many times as you need until you get it right. I slipped a few times before I got on the path I am on today. You may fail, but you are only really a failure if you give up.

7 – I’m afraid I don’t know how

Read. And read some more. Read about the 12 steps. Read about cold turkey. Read about tapering. Read how I quit drinking. Read /r/stopdrinking. Read Allen Carr’s Easy Way. Read about treatment programs.

Read all there is to read. Learn all there is to learn. And then IMPLEMENT.

Take what you think will work for you and start with it. If you fail. Pick yourself back up, read some more and try again.

8 – I’m afraid everything will change.

Yes it will. And it will be great.

I promise you. It will be great.

So you have decided to quit drinking. Now what?

Sure it seems simple enough. Just go about your day as normal – just this time with no alcohol. But what to do instead of that after work pint? The just got home glass of wine? The couple cans while you watch the telly? The whiskey night cap? The afternoon down the pub? The nights out on the town?

Before I stopped drinking my calendar was full. If I wasn’t working or sleeping I was drinking or hungover. As far as diaries go it was a fairly uncomplicated one.

So once I quit drinking this whole chunk of time suddenly became free. So much time I hardly knew what to do with myself.

If anything it was too much free time. I needed something to do. Something to take up my time. Something other than alcohol.

I knew that if I didn’t find something to do that I would eventually end up back in the pub.

Craig Beck, author of “Alcohol Lied to Me” (which you can get for free here if you watch one of his presentations), says that failing to replace the time previously spent drinking is the number 1 mistake he sees in people attempting to quit.

(he talks about free time at the 1:30 mark)

So what did I do?

I filled up that time. First with just busy work. Puttering around the house cleaning and fixing whatever needed doing.

Then I filled it with meetings. Getting to know the different type of meetings that are available in my area. Eventually I settled on one I like.

Still I had free time. So I ramped up my social engagements. Hung out with friends more often. Reached out to old friends. Made new friends.

And still I had free time. That’s when I decided I needed to take up a new hobby(ies). I went with cooking, writing (not very well as the grammar on this site can attest), coding, reading and most recently I am getting back into gaming.

For those of you who are familiar with this site you will have seen me talk about my free time and my hobbies before (here and here).

After writing the hobby post I had my first ever reader email (first of many hopefully!). Adam used the contact form to ask if I could help them find a hobby to fill all the free time he now had.

So a few back and forth emails were exchanged and after getting into his likes and interests we settled on playing football (soccer), learning the drums (god help the neighbors) and writing.

That was a few weeks ago now and I am happy to report that Adam is going strong. Still sober and enjoying life.

That’s my hobbies talked about. And my new friend Adam’s hobbies talked about. What about your hobbies?What can you pick up to fill in the spare time?

Hopefully it can be that simple for you. But somehow I doubt it.

Here’s some tips to finding the perfect “stop drinking hobby” for you.

1 – Revisit old hobbies

Is there a particular hobby or activity that you let slip while you were drinking?

Maybe something you used to do as a child that you could now revisit as an adult.

Good examples of this would be sports. Maybe you stopped playing because you were too unhealthy, but now you’ve quit drinking you want to get back involved. After all it is never too late. There are teams and clubs out there for all skill levels and all ages.

2 – You don’t need to drink to take part

Trivia nights, pool, darts, snooker, poker, comedy shows.

All of these generally take place in pubs, bars or other venues that sell alcohol. But that doesn’t mean you have to drink. Noone is going to kick you out if you just stick to your non-alcoholic drinks.

Plus you might fare a bit better than your inebriated opponents.

(Avoid this tip if you feel going to a pub would be a trigger for you)

3 – Ask your friends what they like to do

Taking part in your friends hobby will allow you to try something new while also connecting more with your friends. Win win.

4 – Search online for people with shared interests

Got a hobby in mind but have no-one to do it with? Search online for local clubs related to your new found interest. A quick google search could bring up all kinds of meeting places. I recently found an Aussie rules football team looking for new players all the way over here in sunny England.

meetup.com is a good place to check out. If there’s nothing in there for your city and hobby why not set up a new group so other people can come to you.

5 – Always have a backup solo hobby

People can flake out on you. The weather can be fine one minute and p*ssing down the next. Traffic jams. Train delays. Earthquakes. Tornadoes. Aliens.

Anything might happen that could scupper your plans. That’s why it is always a good idea to have a backup hobby that you can do on your own and on the go.

For me it’s reading. I have the kindle app on my phone so if boredom ever gets ahold of me I can settle in with a good book to keep my mind occupied.

# – If you get stuck you can always try closing your eyes and picking a hobby from wikipedia!

What are your favorite hobbies? How well do they work in keeping your mind busy? Share with us in the comments below

Do you have a drinking problem? (answer these 13 questions if you are still unsure)

A lot of people who abuse alcohol think they are shit hot at hiding it from everyone around them. And they often are. It is possible to hide that you have had a drink if you are not physically intoxicated. It is also relatively easy to hide just how much you have drank over the course of a day, or even week or month (“This is just my second” – bullshit).

What is less easy to hide is the punishment alcohol puts your body through on a daily basis. Sure other people may not attribute the symptoms to alcohol use but they will most definitely notice them.

Noticeable symptoms in an alcohol abuser include:

• Trembling hands – the shakes that come about from alcohol withdrawal
• Restlessness
• Dry old looking skin – alcohol dehydrates the skin leaving you looking old and haggard
• Brittle hair and nails – dehydration again
• Broken capillaries on the face and nose making it look like you’ve just come in out of the cold
• Loss of balance or unsteadiness – even when sober
• Yellow sunken eyes
• Yellowing of the skin – liver problems
• Irregular heartbeat
• Seizures – If you, or someone else, had or is having a seizure call for an ambulance immediately

And those are just the visible issues. If you see any of these happening to yourself consult your physician as soon as possible.

Alcohol is a poison: if you give it a chance it will try to kill you. Continued alcohol abuse is known to give rise to numerous ailments. Ailments that can remain undetected for long periods such as:

Heart attacks and strokes
High blood pressure
Vitamin deficiencies
Anemia
Cirrhosis
Gout
Depression
Absence seizures
Various cancers
Brain damage    

Quitting drinking can slow down or even reverse these symptoms. The below is a good video about liver detoxification:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BZgNPJArsRI

It is not just your liver that will benefit from quitting drinking but your brain, cardio vascular system and gut will all begin to heal and improve themselves as you detox from alcohol.

Don’t forget it is never too late to get a handle on your drinking. Take a look at how I quit drinking.

Stopping drinking is difficult. Anyone who tells you otherwise is either ignorant or a liar (or is trying to sell you a rehab program).

For problem drinkers it is especially challenging to quit.

Stopping drinking requires that you be strong not just physically but mentally and psychologically as well.

I’m not going to lie it wasn’t easy for me. There were times where I thought I was going to slip, times when I wanted to slip and, indeed, times when I did actually slip.

But I got back on the horse each time and can say I am now comfortably sober. I am not saying that I may not slip again in the future but I am saying that I will not be slipping today.

I don’t want this post to be me preaching to you about what you need to be doing to remain on track. No. This post is about my path. What worked for me and what didn’t work for me. My path is not your path.

If it worked for me it might work for you, or it might not. The idea behind this post is for you to see what has worked for someone else and decide if that is something that is right for you. If you want a post that dives more into what you should do then check this one out

Similarly, there’s a few things I talk about not working for me. These may work for you.

Take what you need and leave the rest behind.

What did work for me:

Writing down my reasons for quitting – Want to see them?

These were my main reasons to quit drinking. (I think I might have been a bit harsh on myself with that last one)

When ever I have the urge to drink I look at these and remind myself why I am going through all of this in the first place.

Going to meetings – I don’t like the 12 steps or all the talk of a higher power. But I appreciate that it works for other people so I tolerate those parts of meetings. I like going to meetings to talk with others and to hear the sharing. These are people who have gone through (or are going through) the same things as me and listening to them allows me to glean off wisdom that will help me in my journey.

Creating a support network (and removing negative people from that network) – This was really as simple as telling everyone I was off the ale. Only those closest to me were told why. Everyone else was told that I ‘wanted a change’.

After-all it’s none of their business.

Once it was clear that there were certain people in my network that were going to be negative influences I cut them out.

These are the people who are constantly telling you that you can have ‘just one’ or ‘beer doesn’t count’. Mostly these people were not purposely trying to sabotage my sobriety, they just had no frame of reference to what I was going through as they are able have ‘just one’ and be fine. They don’t understand “Pringles Drinking“.

It is fine to be a little selfish when your sobriety is at stake

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So even though they weren’t being spiteful I cut them out and spent as little time around them as I could. At first anyway. Once I felt more comfortable in myself and my new relationship with alcohol I gradually let them back in.

I became a voracious reader – Alcoholism/Addiction/Sober living books, blogs, forums, magazines, pamphlets. You name it I read it. Most of the things I read were items written by other people going through this journey. Similar to why I like to listen at meetings: I like to read the stories of other people and take their wisdom and lessons to apply to my own life.

My favorite books:

Alcohol lied to me (this is free if you watch the author’s webinar, otherwise it’s around £10/$12)
Recovery: Freedom From Our Addictions (sold here)
Allen Carr’s Easy Way to Control Alcohol (sold here)
The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober (sold here)

I kept busy – I’ve wrote previously about how quitting drinking left me with so much free time. I then followed that post up with by talking about how I needed to pick up a hobby to keep my mind busy.

For me it was coding, cooking and hiking.

And when I wasn’t doing any of those I would keep busy around the house.

With a full plate of fun and productive activities there is simply no time for being drunk and/or hungover.

I got fit – Healthy body healthy mind. That’s what they say. And for me it is true.

I get an early start to my exercise every day with a big walk with my dog. It is a good part of my wake-up routine (better than coffee!). Once I am done I am fully awake and ready for the day.

The fitter and healthier I become the more clear my mind becomes and the less stressed and anxious I feel (major drinking triggers). Also when you know you are getting healthier you feel like drinking will be a waste of all that hard work.

I got rid of all the booze in the house – One of the few times I lapsed was because I had alcohol in the house. I thought since I had quit drinking I could just gift the left over booze to the next friend I saw.

That didn’t happen.

Now I keep an alcohol free house. The lack of alcohol around me all of the time means that I can go about my day without seeing or being reminded of it.

I rejected peer pressure (eventually) – I mentioned earlier how I removed negative people from my support network. This worked for people that I chose to see. But in life you don’t always get to make all the decisions. There was always going to be people I had to interact with. And even though I am no longer a teenager sneaking cigarettes after school I am still fallible to peer pressure and this was the cause of another lapse.

After this lapse is when I started with my own version of “Just say No”. I found it easier to tell people I am not drinking and reply to any poking with “Just cause”. It’s nobody’s business but my own so if I don’t want to share then that’s that.

I reduced other temptations – I changed up my usual walking routes as the old ones took me by my usual drinking haunts. Out of sight out of mind has done me well.

I didn’t let a lapse turn into a relapse (you have failed but you are not a failure) – As you may have noticed while reading this post I have had a couple lapses in my journey to where I am now. The important part is that these were only lapses and not full blown relapses.

The difference?

A lapse – slipping for one night but getting back the next day

A relapse – slipping for one night, then the next, then the next. And bam. Right back to where I was before starting.

Once you have a lapse make sure you get right back at it. There’s always another day.

I recorded my victories – Right in the same notepad as my reasons for quitting is my victories. There’s no rhyme or reason to when or what I record. I have written “got 7 days” in there. I have also written “ran half a mile without spewing”.

Whenever I feel particularly prideful of an achievement – that would not have been possible while drinking – I pop it into my notebook.

What didn’t work (these are things that did not work for ME, but they might work for you):

Driving everywhere – This is a common tip in alcoholism circles. The idea is that if you drive to restaurants and pubs you will be less likely to drink. That didn’t work for me. What I was likely to do instead was drive to meet some friends, get drunk and then take a taxi home.

Now I am in the situation where I have still drank. I am out of pocket for taxi fares. And I have to go back the next day when I am hungover.

Alcoholic free beer – Not for me. Just makes me miss the real thing.

Drinking from a pint (or wine) glass – This did nothing for me at all. I think the idea is that if you are used to holding a wine or pint glass then you still can just replace the wine with water or juice (or whatever). Supposedly making you less anxious. It didn’t work for me but might work for people who need something in their hands to occupy them.

Sharing in meetings – Stage fright. Yeah no way was talking in front of people going to reduce my anxiety and make me less likely to want to drink. I do share every now and then but I certainly do not attribute it to helping in my recovery. The real benefit for me from meetings was listening to others and being able to relate to their struggle and recovery.

I have actually been working on my public speaking (with all that free time I have now) so maybe it is something that I will do more often in the future.

What about you?

What worked and didn’t work for you? Share your thoughts in the comments below.

You never know what you say here might help someone else finally get their sobriety on track.

Have you admitted to yourself that you have a drinking problem? Or maybe you want to see some of the benefits that quitting alcohol can bring? Or hey, maybe a judge is forcing you to abstain (there’s no judgement here).

What ever reason it is that has brought you here makes no difference. If you are here it means you are interested in the different methods one can use when looking to quit the booze.

In this article I am going to be looking at the 3 main methods you can use to quit drinking and at the end provide some practical advice on how to enact these changes.

Go Cold Turkey

Quitting alcohol ‘cold turkey’ means no alcohol at all. That is as soon as you decide to quit you do not consume another drop. It’s pretty much what people expect you to be doing when you say you are going to stop drinking.

Cold turkey is appealing to a lot of drinkers as it removes alcohol from the equation altogether. You don’t need to worry about 1 or 2 turning into 10 or 20 as you won’t be having the 1 or 2 to start with.

It is easier to avoid going overboard when you don’t get on board in the first place.

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Stopping drinking by going cold turkey requires incredible willpower. To suddenly go from having lots of alcohol in your life to having none overnight can sometimes be overwhelming psychologically. That is why when quitting cold turkey it is crucial that you have other support mechanisms in place (AA, friends, therapy, hobbies etc.)

For people who have a physical addiction to alcohol going cold turkey can potentially be dangerous. That is why before going cold turkey it is wise to speak with a medical professional.

Here is a good video that shows what you should expect when experiencing alcohol withdrawal:

You are more likely to get withdrawal symptoms from going cold turkey if you:

• Have been drinking every day for multiple consecutive days
• Have drank an excessive amount of alcohol leading up to quitting
• Have previously had withdrawal symptoms from a prior incident

If you are concerned about alcohol withdrawals then the cold turkey method is probably not for you. You might instead consider…

Tapering

Some people can go cold turkey without seeing any withdrawal symptoms. People who are physically dependent on alcohol though are unlikely to be so lucky.

For these people tapering may be a better solution.

Tapering isn’t an overnight “fix” like cold turkey-ing (can be perceived to be) but it still doesn’t need to be a long drawn out process.

The idea behind tapering is that you gradually reduce the amount of alcohol you intake day-by-day until eventually you are not drinking any alcohol at all.

Pro: The gradual detoxification process stops your body from experiencing withdrawal symptoms

Con: If it was easy to limit our alcohol intake when drunk we wouldn’t be trying to stop. ‘Pringles’ drinkers will struggle with tapering.

How: Follow the 10% rule. Calculate your current intake in terms of ‘drinks’ (https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/what-standard-drink). Then reduce by 10% of the starting total each day.

E.g. If you currently have 20 drinks a day. Go through tomorrow with 18. Then 16. 14. And so on.

Medical Assistance

There are a number of medical options available. These can range quite drastically depending on your location (and insurance) and can consist of home treatment, in-hospital, residency or even a couple month stay at a rehab center.

Usually these involve a medical professional overseeing the detox process and providing medications where necessary.

Now, as I have mentioned numerous times before, I am not a medical professional. I am just a guy going through the recovery process, maybe the same as you.

With that in mind I do not feel comfortable diving in too deep into the medical aspects, particularly the ones I have no experience with.

Instead I recommend you set up an appointment to discuss how to medically detox with your Doctor. In the meantime the below readings should give you a good starting point on what to expect:

https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/brochures-and-fact-sheets/treatment-alcohol-problems-finding-and-getting-help
https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-body/drug-addiction-getting-help/ (Yes alcohol is a drug)
https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/overcoming-addiction

Practical Advice

Some people can accomplish the above on just sheer willpower alone but for the rest of us mere mortals we’re going to need something more. Remember this advice:

1. Don’t go it alone – Make sure you have a support network in place. Whether this is just conversations with friends and family, taking in a few meetings or a more formal therapeutic relationship, talking out the issues will help in recovery.
2. Keep busy – the devil makes work for idle hands. Find something to fill the time void left that drinking used to fill. Maybe pick up a hobby?
3. Get rid of all temptation – Do you really need to keep alcohol in the house? Get rid of it. Gift it out to friends or just bin it if need be.
4. Keep an eye out for peer pressure – “Just say No” will become your new motto. Not everyone is going to be supportive. Either through ignorance or malice people will try to pressure you into drinking

Rounding off

Whichever method you use just know there are many others out there doing the same. If you want to read more about quitting I recommend this post:

How to Quit Drinking – The 8 “Simple” Steps to a New Sober You