IWNDWYT - Stop Drinking Start Living

Sober Thoughts

I Never Could Have Done This When I Was Drinking

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Do you know how often I say that to myself?

Every. Single. Day.

I am doing things every single day that I could not, or would not, have done when I was drinking. (Yes, even while we are all on lock down for COVID-19!).

I was not doing these things simply because I was unable to. Or because I didn’t have the drive to.

When you are drunk you just want to carry on drinking. When you are hungover you just want to crawl up into a ball and go back to sleep (or carry on drinking).

There really is no room for anything else.

But when you remove alcohol from the equation so many more opportunities present themselves.

Just yesterday I spent 4 hours building a shed for my back garden. I could not have done that if I was drinking.

Just a tiny bit smaller than this one.

My bank account currently has more zeroes in it than it ever did when I was drinking. (Not a humble brag – just trying to show that I am now financially capable of doing more things than when I was drinking).

Before the COVID-19 lock down I was scheduled to run a half marathon for charity. I could not have even dreamed I would be entering for that while I was drinking.

So how does this post help you? What can you take from this to help in your life?

If you are still drinking:

What are you missing out on? – Write a list of things that you want to be doing that you are currently missing out on because of alcohol.

sobriety to-do list

Then use this list as inspiration to finally quit.

Why not read my post on what did and didn’t work for me when quitting, you might find some inspiration to help you finally take the plunge into sobriety.

If you are in recovery:

Make a list of things that you have done this week/month that would not have been possible if you were drinking.

Does this list seem a bit short to you?

Add on to the bottom of the list things that you can do now that you have quit drinking. Then use this part of the list as a to-do list.

Start with the one that seems most fun!

And remember if you are not drinking,

IWNDWYT – I will not drink with you today!

Write a Letter to Future-You

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Going sober is never easy. I know I failed a couple of times at first and I expect that holds true for a lot of people.

People think that once you get over the first few days that things get easy. And while it’s true that physically things get easier with time I would never call it easy – there are still mental challenges all the way.

A big thing to always be aware of is complacency and/or forgetfulness. You go so long without a beer that you start to forget just how bad your drinking was. You forget the issues it caused or you downplay the impacts they had to your life – to your health, your relationships and your wallet. After a while this thinking leads to thoughts like:

“Just a few drinks won’t hurt”

or

“I wasn’t that bad before so I won’t be that bad now”

The mind has a great way of making you forget just how bad things were. The longer you go without a drink the more you truly start to believe these things.

That is why I recommend that everyone writes themselves a letter. A letter from you now to you in the future (future-you). This letter should serve to remind future-you of the pains that alcohol brought into your life and detail the reasons why it would be unwise to go back to how you once were.

With that in mind here are some tips for how to write your own letter to your future self. Hopefully these help you to compose a letter that stops future you from relapsing.

Read this letter

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/newcomers-recovery/352422-letter-my-future-self.html

This is a really fantastic letter that someone going by the username Mrrryah1 writes to their future self. In fact it was this very letter that made me write my own letter back when I first got sober.

Don’t sweat the grammar

You aren’t trying to get a passing grade in English Lit. This letter is just for yourself to read. Feel free to skip a comma or two.

Don’t sugar-coat anything

There’s no point in lying to yourself. In fact you want to be completely open and honest with yourself here. You need to remind future-you why they are sober in the first place.

In the future when you are reading this letter you may have forgotten or downplayed how you were feeling and what you were experiencing.

That’s why when you write this letter you need to be explicit in how drinking was affecting your life

Do include examples

Get specific in your letter.

“You spent a lot of money on drinking”

When you read that in the future it might not mean much to you. Like sure you probably spent some money; but how bad could it have been really!?

“In November 20XX you spent your entire paycheck in one day when you went to the bar and didn’t go home for 2 days”

Now that is specific. And I am sure we all have some specific tale we can tell. Whether it be how drinking affected our finances, our health or our relationships with others:

“You got out of breath trying to carry your kids to bed”
“You missed your anniversary dinner because you were in the pub”

Try and include as many of these as you can.

Show empathy

Even though this is you talking to future-you the letter still needs to show empathy. You need to appreciate that future-you will be reading this letter and might not be in a good space.

You need to therefore convey that you appreciate that they are currently in a difficult place but that they need to stick with it as it cannot be worse than the alternative.

Be direct

Empathy can only get you so far. Sometimes you need to be forceful to get your point across

“If you start drinking again you are going to die” – not a death threat!

The letter I wrote to myself actually calls me a dickhead. In hindsight this probably wasn’t the best thing to write as when I read it now I feel a bit aggrieved at past-me – ‘I’m trying my best why am I being so mean to myself’. Kind of makes me want to drink a little just to spite him. But I don’t.

But in fairness to past-me if I started drinking again I would be a bit of a dickhead so maybe he’s right.

So be understanding but also be firm. You are aware things might be difficult but under no circumstances is drinking again going to be the answer.

Share your letter

Once you’ve written your letter share it with those close to you. Could be your sponsor, or your partner. Or even just your close friend.

They will be able to read it from a fresh perspective and might be able to give you advice on things to include that will resonate with future-you

Sometimes those closest to us actually know us better than ourselves

Add to it every now and then

This isn’t a formal letter you are writing here. So it doesn’t really make a difference if you think of something later on and decide to tack on a P.S or a P.P.S or even a P.P.P.S. If you think it will help keep adding more and more.

Write a book for yourself if that’s what it takes.

Maybe a little too much

Keep it close by

Once the letter is done and you are happy with its contents then keep it somewhere safe.

You want to be able to read it whenever you feel yourself slipping.

I keep mine alongside my relapse prevention plan and I read it whenever I have those nagging thoughts about drinking.

Have you written a letter to yourself? Share your thoughts in the comments below. We’d love to hear them.

My Experience with Rehab

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Note from Mike: this post comes from a friend of mine, Joe. Joe and I first met in a meeting when I was visiting the States a number of years ago. When I told him more recently about this site and how I was sharing my experiences here he asked if he could share also. If you too would like to share your experiences please get in touch. Joe is going to talk about his experience going to a rehab clinic.

Intro

When I was first thinking about getting sober I turned to the internet to see other people’s experiences…I had not yet built up the courage to go to my first meeting at this time.

The stories I read online proved to be very helpful in making me decide to go sober AND in choosing to go to a rehab center. Sorry not rehab, the place I went to preferred to be called a “Wellness & Recovery” center. But you know. Exactly the same thing just a different name.

At the time I was in my late 20s, had a fairly decent job that allowed for a lot of time working from home. I had a house and a wife. I also had a pretty heavy drinking problem. Most days I was putting away a standard size bottle of vodka. Sometimes more, but not often less.

Most mornings started with me vomiting and feeling just shitty. That is until the first couple of drinks had settled me down a bit.

Even with all this I remained quite “functional”. I still kept up with what I needed to in work. I wasn’t a model employee but my tasks got done. Working from home allowed me to hide the true extent of my drinking from all of my colleagues.

Eventually though enough was enough and I finally admitted to myself that I needed help. I needed treatment.

Looking for facilities

This was relatively easy I must admit. I went to my family physician who luckily had lots of experience in this area. Within a few days I was sitting down getting evaluated…the result of which would be a recommendation for inpatient treatment.

After some back and forth with my insurance company…they are never easy to deal with…I settled on a 28 day stay in a facility about 2 hours out of my city.

Checking into this facility was less than glamourous I must say. First all my belongings were tossed through. Then I was given a very thorough pat down…just to be sure I wasn’t hiding a handle of vodka down my pants or something.

The facility

The place itself was quite nice…not Hollywood starlet rehab clinic nice, but nice enough. There was a few recreational activities like table tennis, basketball and pool. There was also a T.V room that was always full regardless of what was being shown. Most of my downtime was spent reading. Luckily the facility had a wide selection of books as I stupidly forgot to bring my kindle or any books of my own.

The treatment

For the first few days I had to remain in the “Detox Chamber”…seriously thats what the official name was.

In here there wasn’t much in the way of activities. Just a TV really and books. This is where I spent the next 4 days while I detoxed off of alcohol. The staff gave me a number of medications to help me through it. There was pills to prevent seizures, pills for lowering my blood pressure, pills to help me sleep, pills to ease the cravings.

After this I was allowed free rein of the facility. Which is what I did in my downtime.

The schedule in this place was pretty rigid. Kind of like what I imagine prison to be like.

Wake up, Breakfast, Group session, Therapy, Lunch, Group session, AA or NA meeting, Dinner, Group session, Free time, Lights out.

That was the general gist of it. As I say it was pretty rigid and your personal schedule was shared with you every Sunday for the next week. One-on-One Therapy if you were having it would slot in somewhere and you would have to stop whatever you were doing to attend.

Most of the group sessions were pointless and merely an exercise in keeping us busy. Some had merit though. I learned how to correctly process my emotions to avoid getting worked up or overly emotional, which I figured was one of my triggers.

I was also allowed unlimited use of the phones. Which I believe I was only one of the few that was allowed that access. Most people were given limited access as part of their treatment. I was allowed unlimited as my therapist didn’t believe me communicating with my friends and family would put my treatment in jeopardy.

Fellow patients

During the first few days in detox I had a chance to meet my fellow patients. Mostly they seemed to be around my age or younger. Everyone is generally supportive. A lot of people seemed rather non-plussed by the whole experience and I got the impression that checking in wasn’t exactly their choice. They were being told to go by parents who still held the purse strings. Which again surprised me since the place was nice but not trustfund kid nice. But anyway I didn’t pry so I don’t know what the full story was only the pieces I heard throughout my stay.

I got to know a lot of the patients, but not really in-depth. Making new friends wasn’t part of my recovery plan so I just generally kept to myself and “did my time”

Staff

The staff was perfectly friendly at all times. The therapists were good and seemed knowledgeable. Nothing really to mention here. It was really what you would expect from professional medical personnel.

Post-rehab world

When you get out you are really happy to see other people. And to eat other food. I should stop comparing it to prison because you are free to leave at any time and it was only 28 days…but that is how it feels.

At the advice of my therapist when I returned home I got a new therapist who is closer than the one at the center and I also started to attend weekly meetings…which is where I met Mike.

After a few months I stopped seeing my therapist as I believed the meetings would be enough to sustain my soberness.

In General

Overall I would say my experience was positive since afterward I came out sober and have remained sober since. I feel though I maybe didn’t need to actually be holed up there for the full 28 days. That maybe a detox program followed by daily therapy/meetings would have sufficed. Particularly since the downtime is so boring.

But then again I did it this way and it worked so why question it.

Note from Mike: I just want to thank Joe for sharing his thoughts with us today and also to tell everyone reading that if you have any questions for Joe about rehab please feel free to ask in the comments section below and I will make sure that Joe sees them.

Two Days

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There are only two days in the year that nothing can be done. One is called Yesterday and the other is called Tomorrow. 

Dalai Lama

This is a great quote from the Dalai Lama and is one that I think we can apply easily to our sobriety. Only today matters when we are thinking about whether to drink.

Yesterday has been and gone. What ever happened yesterday happened. It’s done. There is no changing that short of developing a time machine.

Only today can you change things. Only today can you take action. Don’t worry about yesterday’s actions. Worry about today’s actions.

So what does this mean practically for us.

It means that we shouldn’t focus on our past transgressions. Instead focus on not making any new ones. It means even if we drank yesterday that doesn’t mean we have to drink today. Yesterday’s actions cannot be changed but they also do not bind us to a path. Today is when we can do something and today is when you can choose not to drink.

And while you can’t do anything tomorrow you can make tomorrow better through actions today. Do you think tomorrow will go better if you drank today? No, of course not. Drinking today will mean tomorrow will be a hangover day.

When is a hangover day ever a worthwhile productive day.

Focus on today. Forget about yesterday. Make today better so that tomorrow is easier.

So today is the right day to love, believe, do and mostly live.

Dalai Lama

IWNDWYT – I will not drink with you today

Don’t Stress the Number (Days Sober)

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You know the number.

The only number anyone ever talks about when you tell them you are sober.

How long have you been sober?
or
When was your last drink?

That number.

The single, double, triple, quadruple or quintuple digit number that people will use when deciding whether they should listen to what you have to say.

“Oh you’ve only been sober for 50 days. I’ll take John’s advice instead he’s been coming for over 4 years”

Well great for John but while his 4 years of experience will be useful, so will the experience of the guy with 50 days. As will the experience from the person with 200 days. 1 day. 1 week. These are all people who are not drinking TODAY and their guidance could be useful.

Another reason why I don’t stress the numbers is because I think they play a part in when people relapse. Now I am not saying they directly cause people to relapse. But I do believe they play a part in how a slip up becomes a full blown relapse.

Someone who has 350 days sober will be shooting for that year. The big 365. If they go to a meeting like mine someone will probably bake them a cake.

But then – oh no – the next day they slip. Maybe the birthday was a trigger. They know that they should pick themselves up and get back on the path. But all that’s going through their head is that they are no longer on day 366. They are now back on day 1.

If they go back to the meeting – the same one they’ve just had a cake at – do they have to tell everyone? Do they get up and say “Hi, I’m an alcoholic it’s been 1 day since my last drink”?

Do you think that guy is more or less likely to go from slip up to full relapse?

That’s why I like to just say “I am comfortably and happily sober”. I do not feel like drinking today. And hopefully I won’t tomorrow. I obviously know how long it has been and I like to keep track of it. But that number is just for me. If I slip tomorrow I will be more concerned about getting back into my sober mindset than I would about the number.

Of course that is just me. If you find the number inspirational, and that it helps keep you sober, then keep tracking and keep sharing it at meetings. Otherwise don’t stress it.

IWNDWYT – I will not drink with you today!