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My story of recovery from Alcohol addiction
Hey everyone! I’m Ajay from India, and today I’m going to tell you all about how I got into the horrible cycle of alcohol addiction, and just what steps I took and the help I received from my loved ones to come out of this.
Every day, with dedication, I would make my way to the nearest liquor store. No matter, Whether it’s morning, early evening or when the store was about to shut down its shutters, I would be found striding towards it purposefully. One thought played in my mind in a loop: “Oh God, just please let the shop be shut.” But then, it would be open, the shining bottles calling out my name. Within a few minutes, clutching a plastic bag with a bottle rolling around in it, I would walk away. Alternately euphoric with the purchase and despising myself for having made it. Happy that I had my fix for the day, yet loathing myself for my utter lack of self-control, helplessness and slavery to the bottle.
WELCOME TO MY LIFE OF ALMOST DAILY ALCOHOLISM.
Just like many people, I too had started my drinking journey with the occasional sips at parties and with friends, or to give company to my colleagues at work or relatives, which soon became more than just a couple. For an inherently shy and socially awkward person, alcohol made it easy for me to open up. I started enjoying my drinks while socializing. Booze-laced afternoons stretched into alcohol-sodden evenings, which tapered off into incoherent, hazy nights. This was the story, every single day. Remarkable bonds and friendships were formed over alcohol. It was also quite hip to be a drinker. I got to be the soul of the party, with a full glass by my side, strumming my guitar, singing, flirting, cracking jokes … Life was going really well for me.
Drinking hard everyday numbed the demons shrieking in my head, enabling me to forget just about every disturbing facet of my life and allowing me to do things that I wouldn’t have dreamed of when sober. A drink (or five) transformed me into another person, a person I really despised in the cold light of day.
THAT ONE ACCIDENT SHOOKED ME.
There were plenty of late-night parties after which I drove back home.That particular night was also going to be the same, or so I thought. I met with my first major accident on the night of 18 December 2018. I was driving my car while under heavy alcohol intoxication, and didn’t see the stop sign at the signal, and to avoid hitting any oncoming cars I just rammed it on a divider. Had I not been driving an SUV, I wouldn’t have survived. My vehicle, which was pretty much new, was badly damaged. I was tired, devastated and angry at myself. You would think that by this point I’d have learnt my lesson. But my mourning extended to just two or three days of abstinence. On the fourth day I was back to my usual self, reaching for the bottle. My then girlfriend would often drink with me. But she became apprehensive whenever I would get drunk, which was regularly.
She told me that I tended to be obnoxious and got angry at little things when drunk.
However, I could rarely remember the details the morning after. My capacity to consume alcohol increased. And so did my loutish behavior. She watched helplessly as I transformed into an acid-tongued, bitter, angry and aggressive man with every gulp. She did, what any other same person would have done–she left me.
MY LIFE WAS ALREADY A MESS.
I lost my father at an early age, and lived with my mother and brother then. My mother was in final stages of stomach cancer and my brother Divyang was also suffering from life threatening injuries he sustained on his head after a failed suicide attempt. Unfortunately, Divyang was already physically weak and malnourished and the doctors had little hope in him ever recovering. As much as I loved them both, drinking provided an escape from my worries about them, and my own worthlessness from failing to do anything for them. Obviously, they were upset with me. I understood their anger and disappointment, but the capacity to rein myself in was just absent. By now, most of my friends had witnessed my transformation post alcohol. It made them terribly uneasy; besides they were worried for me. But I just wanted to drink. Soon, they stopped inviting me over to any gatherings or events. With the resulting anger and bouts of self-pity, I drank even more. Frustrated and annoyed at myself, I ran into trouble with the law multiple times, and woke up a few times in different police stations with a blank head. There were several miraculous escapes from death due to drunk driving. I am extraordinarily fortunate to have survived with two scars, few light scratches, and a bad knee. Also, I was plain lucky and happy that I hadn’t hurt anyone else.
THE BOTTLE THAT BROUGHT CHEER
After I lost my mother to stomach cancer in early 2020, the next few months were spent in an alcoholic stupor. A few more months later, My brother’s health also started deteriorating and the doctors finally told me that he too does not have much time to live. I was heartbroken! Even then I continued taking him to the hospital in the hope that by some miracle he survives.He had to be hospitalized on several occasions. But I was incapable of dealing with his doctors as I was drunk most of the time. And when I wasn’t, I would be too scared to face reality. I knew it was just a matter of time before my brother was gone too. Agonized at the thought, I hit the bottle with renewed vengeance. In the interim, there were days, sometimes five at a stretch, when I managed to stay sober. Those were a godsend. I would sleep well, eat well and feel positive about myself. I would vow never to get back to drinking. But then a momentary lapse and I was back to square one.
THE ALCOHOLISM STARTS TO CURE
By the end of 2020, I was drinking like a man possessed. I was aware that my brother had just a few more months to live. Most of my friends would not talk to me, as they knew that I was always inebriated. I felt lonely and was furious and angry with myself. My mother had passed away knowing her son was a useless alcoholic. I could not be fully responsible while my brother was hospitalized. As his condition worsens rapidly, I sensed, for the first time, that if I continued drinking in this manner, I too would die. And I would die a very lonely man with no-one by my side.
That is what ultimately led me to seek help. I called Sanjana ma’am.
THE BATTLE WITH THE ALCOHOLISM BEGINS.
Ms Sanjana Srivastava taught me in college. She was one of those rare teachers who believed that backbenchers were students too. And she continues to be one of the most beautiful, patient, humble and understanding people I have ever got the opportunity to meet in my life. She had found out from my college friends that I had been drinking excessively. When she realized the gravity of my situation, she advised me to seek professional help and guided me to Dr Ramesh Dviwedi who was a well known name in India for the treatment of alcohol or any drug related addiction. The first day I went to meet Dr Dviwedi, I was drunk, depressed and in a bad mood. But he heard me out without neglecting any of my complaints and worries. And so began my arduous battle against alcohol.
I was put on meds, yet there were sleepless nights, anxiety and cravings. However, I was determined to stay on my course. There were people who believed I could not win. And there were those who soldiered on with me as if it was their own battle. I had my last drink on 11 June 2021, and my brother passed away on the 22nd. In his last 10 days, I tended to Divyang, cooked for him and communicated with him in my full senses. Though by now he was even incapable of grasping much, we did share a laugh or two together.
9 MONTHS OF SOBRIETY
Looking back, it seems I have enacted the part of a lead character in a film that lasted longer than I would have liked it to. The scar, scratches and the bad knee are the only reminders that remain of those days. I now begin my day with a four-kilometer jog, do yoga daily and eat healthy as much as possible.I feel more alive now than ever before. It sounds cliched, but I do feel like I have been born again. I am experiencing freedom and joy in the purest forms possible. I relish my food, my sleep, my time with my few true friends, music … I am regaining my confidence and dignity. People I know have a new-found respect for me and they see me in a new light. And what is overwhelming is that I have managed to not only follow a healthy lifestyle but have also inspired a few people along the way to give up drinking or to drink in a responsible manner! Friends have occasionally turned to me to intervene and counsel people with a drinking problem. I have happily stepped in, fully aware that tips and advice from me would perhaps make a difference in saving an individual or a family from the grip of alcoholism.
I do have my share of regrets, like how I wished if only my mother and brother could have seen me now, but I try not to dwell on them. If I do reflect, I look back to learn. I am learning to put the past where it belongs, not lug it along. Though, there is a distinct sense of loss and disappointment that may or may not go away ever. I guess addiction extracts a lot out of you. I am now cocooned in the love and warmth of some of my closest friends who stood by me despite my most unpleasant behavior. I meet them and party with them. They drink, and I don’t. But every time I see glasses being raised to a toast, I pray that they may all know when to draw the line.
So, that was my story. I hope you all liked it and learnt something from it. At the end I just want to say to people who are also suffering from alcohol addiction that please “Don’t give up” i know it’s easier said than done, and it feels like that you would never be able to come out of this dangerous cycle of addiction, but believe me, once you made up your mind and have people to support you wholeheartedly then nothing will stop you from recovering. The only thing left is to go and seek help as soon as possible. There’s no shame in it. Better late than never.
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