Step 9 AA – Making Things Right With Those You Have Wronged

“Made direct amends to such people wherever possible,
except when to do so would injure them or others.”

Now that you created a list of all the people you have hurt during your addiction, it is time to make amends with those you have hurt. This is exactly what you will do in step nine. While this may sound a little daunting at the moment, this guidance should make you feel a bit more at ease about this important step in your recovery.

This post is part of a 15 part look into the 12 Step Program and how it can be used to help in alcohol addiction and recovery. The full 15 part book can be downloaded for free by Clicking Here

What Is Step 9?

Step nine is about apologizing to those you have hurt during your addiction. This has numerous purposes. Firstly, it provides some relief from any guilt you are feeling because of the people you hurt during your addiction. In addition to that, it also restores some of the important relationships that have become damaged due to your addiction. 

How Do I Do Step 9?

There are a number of things to consider for step nine. Here is an overview of the most important things to remember during step nine and how you can complete it.

Choose your groups: During step eight, you made a complete list of everyone you have hurt during your addiction. Within this list, you will be able to divide these people into various groups. Now these groups are important, as making amends will not be possible for every person on the list. In addition to that, some of these conversations could do more harm to you than good, so it is important to make up your groups before you start having conversations. 

• The first group contains all the people you feel confident approaching once you have some confidence in your sobriety.
• The second group are those who you will not disclose everything too, as full disclosure could harm them or yourself. 
• The third group contains the people who you should not contact.
• The fourth group are the people you have no means of contacting, or where contact is restricted for specific reasons.

Keep in mind that making amends should only be done when possible and when it does not injure yourself and others. 

Choose your moment: There is always a right time to try to make amends with the people you have hurt. Obviously, the opposite is also true. There can also be a wrong time to have this difficult conversation. So, it is vital to choose your moment wisely. 

What Are Common Pitfalls And How Do I Avoid Them?

There are some common pitfalls to avoid during step nine. Since there are some difficult conversations to be had, it is best to prepare yourself for these pitfalls and make sure to seek additional support from a trusted person if you need to. 

Do not rush it: When something is uncomfortable, we tend to rush things just to get them out of the way or to avoid it completely. However, it is important to take your time with step nine, as it is one of the most vital parts of your recovery. 

Time is important, because it gives yourself and the person you hurt the time to process and to heal. While some conversations are difficult to have, time is one of the cornerstones of the human healing process. So, the conversation is just the first step towards mending bridges and repairing relationships.

Not everyone will be receptive: It is impossible to predict how another person will react. Some people in recovery will play the situation over and over in their head, often expecting the worst but getting understanding and support instead. Of course, the opposite can be the case as well. Some people may not want to listen to your apology.

When someone does not want to listen to your apology, simply apologize sincerely and then let the topic go. By doing so, you have taken responsibility for your actions, but prevent causing any harm to the person in question.

Do not cause harm to others: When you have this difficult conversation, it is vital that your apology does not cause harm or injury to the other person. If your amends cause further harm and suffering for the person in question, then they should be placed in the respective group we mentioned earlier. Remember, apologizing is a good thing to do, unless it will cause harm or injury to the other person. 

Check for avoidance: While being cautious is recommended during step nine, you must not mistake caution for avoidance. It is common for humans to avoid difficult situations because they are uncomfortable, and it is sometimes difficult to admit we were wrong. However, if you are noticeably avoiding a situation because it is difficult, and if the apology could help you move forward, then you are avoiding and no longer cautious. 

If you struggle with a situation such as this, you can ask advice from a trusted person. It often helps to get a neutral and unbiased perspective on the situation, and you could even get some helpful tips in return to help you approach the situation.

Do not give every detail: It is a common misconception that you must go through every little detail about how you hurt another person. In fact, it can be painful for the person to live through it again. The main provision is that your apology is sincere and meant. While you can apologize for some specific events or situations, you do not have to delve into too much detail.

How Will I Know When I Am Ready To Move Onto Step 10?

Take an honest look at the list you made and the group you decided to contact and apologize too. Do you feel you have made amends with these people in a responsible and beneficial manner? Do you feel that you can begin to repair the relationships that were affected by your addiction? Do you feel that everyone has been accounted for? If so, you are ready for step ten.