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I was 18 years old when I realised that my life was not under my control. That was the main reason why I think I started drinking. I am the only child in the family and was always quite rebellious. I stood out from all the others with my different thoughts and interests, I had contrasting values compared to my classmates.
When I was a child and through my teenage years, I always had problems with my classmates and teachers, and I felt I received unfair treatment from them. Since I was always a spectator, I was locked in my head and never shared my thoughts, because mostly when I shared something to my friends, they never took it seriously. Any friends I did make I lost, some of them lied to me, some of them made fun of me, I would cry all day after school and search for problems and solutions in myself – about what I did wrong, where I made a mistake.
I never wanted to be different, it scared me so much, because I was looking at myself from the viewpoint of others, and that was my biggest mistake. I was thinking what they were like, what were their interests, I did not want to be excluded. I started smoking, I knew it was bad, but I kind of felt like I needed that. I remember how negative things started to attract me, you know it is easier to get hurt then to be happy.
Oh, and I always felt guilty because of my everyday life, because of my personality. After all the teenage problems I had at that time, I started to motivate myself to get along with my classmates, to understand people more than I did before, to be nice, to be human and to be normal, like everyone, I tried to be like them, you know only you can help yourself, so I started taking action… I started going out with friends, drinking beer from time to time, I did not like it in the beginning so after parties I was buying new bottles of different brands each day so I could find the one I liked so that I could drink it more easily and more of it each day with them, so I could be tougher, and feel dominant.
I am mostly an introvert and get extremely isolated when I don’t feel comfortable. In the beginning I thought while drinking some alcohol made me feel dizzy, I thought it also made me come out of my shell and show the true me more. But I was wrong there, I was drinking more and more, I did not want to feel that awkward feeling with myself, I wanted to feel right with myself, or at least just to forget all about the bad moments.
But every time I did that, when I was sober at times (lucky days when I had time to be sober) I was realizing how much time I had wasted, I was so completely wasted, my time was wasted, my energy was wasted, where was I? Where was my real self? Every last minute, hour when I had those sober moments with myself I was getting panic attacks, I cut my veins, pulled my hair tight, I really wanted to feel pain so I could grab hold of myself and get out of there, but I could not do it, I always felt I was drowning in a swamp where every helping hand was a trap for you… I just wanted to lose my mind, I was drinking more so I could feel dizzy, and was drinking again so that I could be disconnected from everything, from my thoughts, obsessions. I wanted to disappear, I wanted this to end, I didn’t want to feel alcohol in my veins, in my mouth, but I had zero hope about saving myself.
You know what I was always thinking before that?- If you want to build something new, you should destroy the one you have, because destroying is already a new beginning itself, but the one you have can never disappear completely, so you gotta fix it. I knew I had a problem but alcohol made me like I didn’t need to fix them. Or I could fix them later. After this next drink.
After my family noticed massive changes in me, instead of trying to solve the problem together they made me feel even worse, there was no place at all where I could hear silence. Where I could get away from their condemnation. The problem and stress my family had was because I reminded them of my grandpa and his lifestyle. He started drinking at the age of 24, I only really remember him after he was an alcoholic. When I was a child I could never realize why my grandma always argued with him for a glass of wine, vodka, beer or anything alcoholic.
After years of living through this terrified period of life, when I was nearly 21 I had a moment with myself, my birthday was coming up. I remember because I remember that specific snow in January, near my birthday, I even felt cold in my veins and tears in my eyes, so right at that time, when I was nearly 21, I started to figure out what the hell was wrong with me. I was tired of hearing the same speech from my close ones, like they used to with my grandpa.
Time was passing by and the most motivating thing for me was the day when I saw how alcohol ruined my grandpa, he had a heart attack, he lost some physical abilities, I did not want to look like him, I did not want to lose the fight, I wanted to be back in reality, actually see myself when looking in a mirror, know myself better, I saw my future in my grandpa, that was the most terrifying feeling I have ever experienced, my future slapped me in the face and the question I heard in my head was…why? Why am I like this? First of all I started to be a friend to myself, started listening to myself, understanding myself and asking…Why?
I started following some Instagram accounts, with healthy lifestyles, healthy body types, healthy skin care routines, I started realizing why all this happened to me, but before these, my only motivation was my childhood pic, I wanted to look like her, I wanted to have her sparkling eyes again, I did not want her future to be a disappointment. I felt sorry for not accepting her and not listening to her. I started to drink 1 glass or bottle less than yesterday. And every time I felt my hands were shaking in need of alcohol, I looked at my photo again, and made myself some tea, black tea instead of alcohol.
Black tea helped me in the beginning, I wanted to get used to something else, because the main feeling I realized is that it is not about loving and gaining a pleasure from alcohol, it is all about that tough quest for dependence which causes those toxic relationships towards anything, that slowly destroys you. I was always telling myself, until you want this, this will not end, and so do you want this? Not about needing it, just tell me if you want this, and if not, don’t drink that liquid.
I started realizing that all this happened because I could not find myself in the current environment, so why stay trying to fit in painfully there when you can just change the environment. When the flower does not bloom, it’s maybe because it’s in a wrong, unsuitable ground. Not that the flower was wrong.
After I started recovering, it was like my eyes started to open up, I realized some changes started in my body and some health problems appeared, my neurologist said I had a Tremor, every time I was drinking my hands used to stop shaking and go back to normal movement, but you know, alcohol is not a medicine. My neurologist prescribed some medication which helped me to solve my tremor problem, which in turn gave me a feeling that I was moving forward again. It turned out I had psychological problems. It was hard for me to stay alone, I had bad thoughts, I thought everything was a waste of time and I made people close to me worried, but I know if someone truly loves you, the best thing to do is to listen to them and accept their help. I started solving my psychological problems where I could, I entered medical treatment and had continuous contact with my doctors. It was hard to stop living like this, the only cure for me was to find happiness inside me and get attached to it.
Over time I have changed, I did transfusion, I felt right about that procedure, I even remember those moments, when I was left alone during this procedure, I felt calm, I had that feeling of sublimation, feeling of a new start, even a fresh smell from my nose, I felt this was the rightest choice I made, doing everything for myself, for my childhood self, who just wanted to have the same sparkling eyes in the future, so here I am my baby self, you don’t have to worry about your future, you are strong. If you want something you need to do something, get it, experience it, or nothing will happen.
I am 23 years old, I am an artist, I love drawing, I love music, I love dancing, and I love myself not only on the outside, but also on the inside. I may have some scars, and honestly I may become sad and sorry about what I did to myself, but that’s okay, it’s okay, I finally bloomed and I will never stop blooming.
Thank you
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