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“Drink away your sorrows, to experience temporary happiness even for a second.” I always stand by this quote because I myself believe that the way on forgetting all your problems and suffering is by drinking alcohol. The state of emotional instability is often experience when there is alcohol, and you can never tell whether you are excited about the occurrence or you feel as if you are only making a bad situation worse because you are already drunk. Instead of facing your problems, alcohol becomes a solution for that temporary freedom in emotion.
For me alcohol has always been the stress reliever option ever since I was 18 years old. As a teenager, I experienced the state in which I am expected to act decent and proper in the eyes of other people since I have a good reputation, to be a role model to my younger siblings since they look up to me, and for my parents, they often expected me to look after my younger siblings because I was the eldest. My family is not that rich, nor that poor, we are only capable of buying the basic needs for living every single day, but we cannot deny the fact that there are times where poverty becomes a hindrance for us to do better and improve the state of life that we are living. On the other hand I myself doing fine in my Academics back then, but one time there are a lot of things that our professors required us to pass in a specific deadline, a dance video, thesis concept, and performance tasks on 3 different subjects.
I always thought of these kinds of stuffs as a piece of cake, since I believe in my capabilities on tackling these work load, but for some reason I failed on delivering the said tasks completely and it greatly affected my grades and reputation as the leader of the group. I was considered incompetent and lack the understanding to what is supposed to be my priority which is my studies. Well, I can not imply that I have done my best to finish the outputs that are bombarded, since there are also a lot of problems in my mind that has been bothering me the whole time. I consider this as an academic breakdown, for such reason that one simple mistake had led to the fall of my academic status and capabilities as a leader. Adding to the situation, I also have a family problem which involves my younger sibling being diagnose with a lung related disease.
I was lost, I got no one to blame but myself, and yet a group of friends that I knew invited me to have some fun in order to forget all the stuffs that has been happening, and therefore with the current mindset and perception that I have on my life, without a doubt, I said yes. We move to our friend’s house, and plan to sleep there overnight. I have been introduced to drinking before, although those kinds of drinks we’re just on small quantities, this time it was different. Gins, brandies, and tequilas are over the place, we started drinking at around 8 in the evening, and finish by 4 in the morning. During those times I was able to express myself and how I feel towards the situation that I have encountered lately, and for them it was nothing new because for some reason they have also experience those situations.
The heavy weight that my heart was feeling the whole time becomes lighter and I was thankful that I was able to let it all out, but I did not expect that after being drunk and my mental state is back to normal, the problems that I am experiencing is still there, and that weight in my heart becomes heavier. I cannot deny the fact that maybe this is reality, and for some reason even when I tried my best to express and let it all out, it still haunts me, making me regret every single decision that I have made that have led to this problematic situation. So I decided for myself to forget it, even for just a moment or a night that I can sleep peacefully with a bottle of brandy in my hand.
That is how my alcoholic addiction begun. Every day after school, I would go out and buy some drinks, get wasted, and forget all the things in my mind. There are also some times that I would cut my classes and hang out with my friends just to get drunk, and slowly getting drunk becomes a part of my life, there is this indescribable feeling that whenever I cannot taste alcohol ever for a day, it makes me lose my mind, it builds up aggression within me, and it makes me do things that I was not capable back then. Shouting, street fights, getting angry at someone just by getting look at, disrespecting other people, and even trying to steal just to have a taste of that alcohol, but for once I am glad that I was only addicted to alcohol and not smoking or drugs. I would not even consider trying those other options on the first place, but here I am with alcohol, dying just to get a hold of it.
Alcoholic addiction has been a rough experience, there are many people that are affected, my family, schoolmates, friends, and even my relatives. To be in a current state, in which alcohol revolves around your life all the time is very frustrating and challenging, but still I always disregard the consequences of my action and drink more and more alcohol. I did not think or consider about my health and how it will affect me in the future, I was all out looking to get drunk with and enjoy the time of my life, like there was no tomorrow. I thought to myself that there is no going back, I cannot stand a day without alcohol, and for me that is all that matters. Months have gone by and things are still the same, getting drunk every day, experiencing the same hangover, fighting those hangovers with even more drinking, and it seems like I was pretty out of hand on what I am doing. I care less, or care nothing at all by what surrounds me and whatever I do.
I believe that everything will eventually be okay, and I will be accepted for what I am, my parents can definitely understand me and even my friends, but it turns out I was wrong. My parents were very disappointed on me, it hurts them to see me in a state which my life is going nowhere, all the dreams and expectations that they have made are now very far from being real, or will never be real at all. They have tried consulting and talk me through the situation that I am experiencing, they want me to realize that it is not too late for me to change and become a better version of myself, but I was ignorant, I did not listen still, all I hear are the same words that go through my ear every time I go home drunk, and after that nothing eventually changes, alcohol always win in my mind.
My siblings who thinks very highly of me and looks up to me in the past, now does not want to go near me, they are all afraid of what I will do to them whenever I get angry, the brother that they have look up to and loved so much is now a monster in their eyes. I guess they cannot understand the situation since they are too young for it, but they have seen me becoming angry over certain things and even on small things, which seems to be idiotic, but I know they are still young and seeing aggression, rage and hearing bad words at a small age can deliberately cause traumatic thoughts and experiences in their mind. It can even affect their mindset in the future, when they grow up, what if they will even try to become like me, what if they will even be much worse? I for once never thought of that and continue with the reckless things that I am doing.
The group of friends that I have becomes little by little, I do not know why there are some who does not even want to go near me, some does not even talk to me anymore, they seem to view me as a different person, and yes I am truly a different person now. I did not care of my social status anymore and all the other things that matter in my life. How I wish that I should have realize soon, how I wish that I have change my lifestyle and becoming productive in the things that I am doing.
I was already a burden to a family that has experience hardships and each action that I made had become an extra weight for that burden that my parents and siblings are carrying in their lives as each day passes. One night, I came home very late and when I open the door I saw my mother crying, she told me that my father brought my youngest sibling to the hospital because there were complications in his lungs, and he needs to get surgery as soon as possible or the worst may happen to him.
She asked me if I was listening, if I still care about our family and about the future of my younger sibling. She said that if I do not care about my life, then atleast try to help in saving your sibling’s. She wanted me to realize that I have a family who has experienced a lot and needs me back in order to face these challenges without hesitation. I know I cannot add up to the problems that we are facing. The tears in my mother’s eyes strikes me deeply, because I know that I have been a burden for them and I have not been the son that they expect me to be, the one who is full of determination and potential to lift the state of life that we have. I feel ashamed of myself and tried my best to comfort my mother. I contemplated on things that I have done over the past few months, all those selfish acts, and chaotic pursuit on things.
I was a coward, I do not have the guts to face my problem, I tend to run away from them by drinking and drinking, but the thought of getting rid of the problem through drinking was just a mere illusion. Problems became more complicated and things are not going better, they become worse and worse. The moment of realization hits me hard like a truck. It was a night full of tears and regrets. All those money that I have used for alcohol may have been useful for our situation right now, things should have been better if I have been productive like I was in the past. Still I was lost, I do not know how and where to start, I do not know what the first step is, but I was eager to change, I was eager to become better. I want our lives to improve and I want to help my sibling recover. I know that I cannot live a day without the taste of alcohol, but I will give it a try. I tried to tell me parents about it, although I know that I was not so sure about whether I can take alcohol out of my life. I just wanted to ease their feeling, even with just simple words, I want to give them hope that I am ready to change my lifestyle and become the person that they wanted me to be.
Day 1 was a rough start, my usual habit becomes unnecessary, instead of going out of the house, I stayed in, do some repairs on the kitchen sink, clean some furnitures, fix my bedroom and wash the sheets. I tried to forget about alcohol, I tried to stop myself from going out and buy a bottle of gin. It was very difficult to control such addiction, your mind feels like it was gonna explode and you are thinking of crazy thoughts. Being addicted is really painful, not only physically but also mentally, the mental part is the most difficult to handle since you cannot determine when will it end or will it ever get out of your mind. I tried to entertain myself with other things, going back to my old routine when I am not addicted to alcohol.
The first day had passed and it was not that easy, I forced myself to get to sleep, but my mind is telling me to get up and buy something to drink. It was an awful feeling that makes you want to give up because over the past months I could sleep peacefully and easily because I was drunk, but now it was already 3 in the morning, my mind is awake and my eyes are wide open. Finally, I closed my eyes, and in the eternal silence of air, I began to pray. I know anything could be overcome with the help of prayer and faith in God, the idea being that faith will eventually help and save anyone whatever the problems that they are facing, and there is no problem that is bigger than God.
I was crying, seeking for help, seeking for a chance of redemption in order to start a new life, a life that is productive and full of chances. I fell asleep around 5 and woke up by 9, It was a short sleep but it felt good, because for the first time in a long time I did not feel any hangover, my head was feeling lighter than ever before. That for me was a big achievement, but it also bothers me if I can maintain it, if in the following days, I could still stop myself from going out and buy alcohol to make me drunk again. 5 days had past and as each day goes by, it was becoming more difficult for me to conquer what I feel. So I thought to myself, maybe if I try to taste it one more time, just to satisfy my feeling of thirst for alcohol, it will get out of my mind forever. Although I have second thoughts on what if it will lead to further addiction, well there’s only one way to find out.
I left our house, and find something to drink on a local store. There I bought one bottle of Chivas Regal. On my way home I saw a poster which seeks individuals to join community gatherings and rehabilitation in order to help their mental health, and it was pretty interesting for me, but then I ignored it and went straight to our house. I want to drink the bottle all by myself in order to carefully think things through. I poured it on a glass, and by taking the first sip from it, my heart was jumping from joy, but my mind was all like “No, no, stop it.” I took a few more shots, then after it was half done, I slowly put my glass on the table and began to think. Will I continue with this life where there will be no alcohol and this will be my last shot, now that I am satisfied with a few shots that I had took or would I go back again to drinking since it feels like heaven for each single sip.
All of a sudden my family got home and was shocked to see me drinking again. My younger sibling who just finished his surgery with a smile on face, slowly becomes tearful and sad. The look on my parent’s face seems to be disappointed, with a thought of here he goes again, with his old habit, drinking that bottle until he gets drunk, wasted and starts to be in rage, but I broke the silence, Ma, Pa, this will be my last shot. I raised my glass to them and take the shot. I then stood up still and smile at them, and said from now on I will be entering the community gathering and rehabilitation for mental health that is located just two streets from here.
The mental health rehabilitation was very helpful for me since it opens up my mind and allowed the presence of our Lord to become stronger. It is very similar to the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) which mainly focuses on helping individuals such as myself who has a struggle in containing their drinking problems, through discussions and meetings. The concept of alcohol being one of the factors that affect the mental health of many individuals these days have been also the reason that deprived these individuals from improving theirselves. Alcohol addiction and abuse cannot be controlled easily, but it can be lessen and stop by following processes that can enhance the lifestyle of a person significantly. As the Alcoholics Anonymous stated that alcoholism is an illness that can be managed, but not controlled.
Having such program is a life saver for people who experience addiction. It simply talks about what are the many possibilities life can give without the need of alcohol, gives hope to many people who are addicted and helps people to have a greater relationship with God. The 12 Steps of Alcoholic Anonymous (AA) is a guide for anyone willing to commit in having a better life, a life with the guidance of God. Based on my understanding, it simply states that the mistakes that we have made in the past does not defy ourselves, it does not threaten our existence nor is it something to be ashamed of, as long as we are trying to become better. Alcohol is indeed tempting and addicting, especially when it is the only thing that saves you from your problem, you would not realize the effect that it can give to your body and to the people around you on few tries, but as time goes by, what you have thought to be a life saver is a life taker. We should always remember that despite the many problems that we are facing, there are always a better way to face them, not to turn to alcohol, but to close your eyes, feel the solemnity of the moment, and talk to God, tell him about all your problems and shortcomings. Feel his presence inside you, through the Holy Spirit, and be thoughtful of your words.
There is nothing to be ashamed of since in His eyes we are His children, and we are accepted for who we are, despite the mistakes that we have done, and the things that we have failed to do. There is always a second chance for those who seek to become better, to change a lifestyle of misery into a lifestyle of faith and trust. God has a way of doing things, and the more He put us through, the higher He will lift us up, as long as we do not deny him and follow his guidance. We may not be able to see what He truly wants to happen, but in doing things always remember to choose it carefully, think it through. There is a good decision which will lead to a fortunate turn of events, and there is also a bad decision, that will lead to a catastrophic turn of events. But, we cannot deny that there are things that we unconditionally do which is wrong, but as long as we repent and ask for forgiveness, ask for a peace of mind and guidance, in which whatever trials and problems faced, you will tend to understand and make it through the situation.
I have been lucky and blessed that despite being addicted to alcohol, I was able to redeem myself through the kindness and will of God, and with the help of my community. It was difficult in the beginning, but for almost 1 year now, I have been controlling myself from drinking and my perception has change from being a drunkard unto being someone who has a dream for a better future. That is all thanks to the mental rehabilitation program, and the 12 Steps of Alcoholic Anonymous, which I have read in their website, also to the blog post that tackles alcohol addiction, and abuse. Above all, I can never be the person who I am right now without the support of my family, and the guidance of God, who never gave up on me despite being lost on the way. In the end I was able to conquer my addiction and become the person that I was destined to be.
Now I am back at school although, it is mostly online because of the pandemic that is occurring around the world, but I am trying my best again to step up my game and graduate for my family. Ending this I would like to share the greatest lesson that I have learned from this experience “Mistakes can be made, but it is never too late with the help of God.”
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