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My story with alcohol is a very peculiar one. I didn’t have a very troubling childhood, nor did I have abusive parents, yet somehow alcohol found its way into my life and destroyed me in many ways. One of the reasons my story is unique is that I am not from a Western Country, in Europe or North America. Instead, I belong to Third World Islamic country in Asia. The religion of Islam plays a significant role in the governance of the country and the laws are derived from it. As consumption of alcohol is forbidden in Islam, it has been illegal here. So my struggles with alcohol went not only against my health and wellbeing, but also against my culture and upbringing.
I have always viewed my life in 3 phases. The first phase was the most beautiful one; the first 13 years of my life. I had a great childhood. It was a very fun, carefree, and joyous time. My parents were also very loving towards me and life just seemed so beautiful. I didn’t realize how great I had it until further along in the future where my dark phase and encounters with alcohol started.
The next ‘phase’ was from the ages of 13 to 18. This was a slightly more volatile time than my childhood and did pave the way for me to start drinking regularly. Some situations has arisen in my life that made me very sad and depressed. I started being bullied a lot at school. There were some financial troubles at home due to some business failures by my father. This financial strain really hampered the loving relationship between my mother and my father, and fighting all day became the norm at my house. Moreover, the ‘restrictive’ nature of my Islamic culture had started to become more and more prevalant. I wasn’t allowed to go out of the house due to my over protective parents (which is a sort of a cultural norm here). This led to me having barely any friends, no romantic partners, and absolutely no sex. It was like I was living a constrained and futile existence. I felt trapped and empty, and I found myself deeper and deeper within this dark hole.
The ‘phase’ of my life after 18 years old was where all the drinking began. I went to a different city for University and that was the first time I got to stay away from the supervision and care of my parents. It turned out to be quite the lifestyle change for me. I finally made some genuine friends and got a little taste of what ‘freedom’ actually looks like. Some of my friends were into drinking and they also had the means to arrange it. Eventually, I wanted to try it too, to see what all the fuss is about. My first time drinking a can of beer was so strange. It tasted so bitter, but it did give a sort of relaxation to my mind which I had never felt. At the same time, I also felt very guilty after my first drink as I was defying my cultural Islamic upbringing. Consuming alcohol is considered a big sin. It was certainly a very strange and confusing state of mind to be in.
It was like my mind had split itself into 2 factions fighting with each other. One part wanted to drink more and more, and the other wanted me to not drink ever again. This laid the foundation for the constant inner turmoil I would have for years. However, at that point I really didn’t care about anything that much. So I started drinking more frequently. I started getting into other alcoholic drinks like Wine and Vodka as well. Drinking became like a recreational activity for me.
My frequency of drinking started to increase as time went on. There was a stage in which I was drinking each and every day. All of this had negative effects on my life situation. I was low on energy and low on money. My academic performance at University wasn’t all that great. I was just slacking through my courses and getting grades that would be just good enough to not fail. Drinking was filling that ‘void’ within me but was also building up a deadly cycle of guilt and shame within me, as I knew very well that I wasn’t performing to the best of my abilities. To add to my wounds, all those ‘friends’ who had introduced me to alcohol, had started to gradually distance themselves from me. That was very heartbreaking for me. Those feeling of loneliness that I had tried so hard to escape from, started to come to me again. All in all, it was a very bad to place to be in, both mentally and physically. I was on my own. No one to help me at all. All my so called ‘friends’ had abandoned me and were doing well in their lives. And here I was, a useless waste of space. I had become careless about tons of things, whether it be my grades, my grooming, my hygiene, my looks, or my finances. I was one big mess and the sight of myself made me disgusted. I eventually realized that I was so deep in this dark hole that I had nothing to lose. Life surely couldn’t get any worse than this. So why not try and change some things around?
I made a firm decision to change things around and honestly this was the turning point of my life. I made this intention knowing very well that I had nothing to lose. This gave me a special kind of courage. First thing I did was start consuming some positive content, especially from YouTube. I knew I needed new positive ideas to break out of the constant negativity. I started binge watching videos from Tony Robbins, Les Brown, Simon Sinek, and David Goggins. That really opened up my mind and made me realize that my life experience is the perspective that my mind creates, in essence. I realized that I had more power than I thought I did. And that with small incremental steps I can improve myself and live a great, fulfilling and rich life. Their razor sharp motivation instilled in me a desire to better myself no matter what. And that I could pull that off no matter what. ‘Consistency over intensity’ became the motto for my life. A surge if positivity gradually started to grow within me as now I had something to aim for! I had a purpose and I had a goal and I had a chance to live a life with direction instead of a wayward and directionless one.
I started writing everything down what I wanted to do. And became much organized in all aspects. All of this was certainly not done overnight and was a long and arduous process. I had to make mini-goals for myself. Like a maximum of 3 beers per week and then started to gradually decrease that number. I also started to bring more structure into my life in various aspects. Little changes made a huge difference and I gradually started to feel that I was regaining control of my life. I also starting paying more attention to my grooming, hygiene, and self-care. Furthermore, I started going to the gym and working out. My body felt alive and it felt great! These differences certainly increased the strength and focus level of my mind and I could do better academically as well. I became so busy and occupied with being productive and taking care of myself, that alcohol didn’t have much time and space left in my life. There would be days where I would drink and feel guilty about myself again. But the intensity of this guilt also decreased as I had realized that most important step is to fully love and accept myself. All potential self-improvement comes after that.
I am happy to say that I have been sober for over a year now. That does not mean I do not feel down or that I am perfectly happy at all times. But that does mean that I know how to deal with my urges in a very healthy way. I feel my life has a purpose. I also have a job in my field right now. And a few friends, whom I can hang out with.
In conclusion, this was the journey of how I ‘regained’ my life and overcame my alcohol addiction. I am in my mid 20’s right now, a very exciting yet nervous and volatile stage of life, but I am still hopeful for the future. I view all of what happened to me as a ‘dark awakening’ instead of a bad memory. It was necessary for my growth. Sometimes, you have to be pushed to your breaking point to make something great out of it. No matter how bad things seem, there is always hope to be found.
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