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The author who sent this story to us wished to remain anonymous
“I have a problem” it takes a lot of courage to say those words out loud, and even more courage to say it to others. I myself only had enough courage to say it to myself, but the problem with only admitting it to myself was the fact that I refused to get help. Refusing to get help from others makes it harder for yourself because detoxing at home without medical aid is hard. Before I go in-depth on my recovery, I guess I should tell you how I became an alcoholic in the first place.
For years I struggled with the fact that I was lesbian, sure my family was accepting, my friends were accepting, but deep down I was not accepting of myself. It began in middle school, I started to notice that I had feelings for women, and being a woman myself the whole situation scared the crap out of me. I tried to be “normal” and no matter how much I tried to like guys it just didn’t feel right, that’s when the depression started to settle in. At that time I was lucky enough to have school to focus on, so I didn’t think much of it. The main thing that helped me was band class; it kept me focused on something that I was good at.
When High School came everyone wanted to do band, and there were some amazing musicians. I felt as though my skills were horrible as compared to all of the other people, and even though I auditioned and received high marks, I dropped out of band because I felt I was not good. That was the only thing I enjoyed, so I focused on my grades, I got high honors and sometimes the stress of keeping up with grades made me go crazy! The stress started to get to me, so eventually, the temptation of drugs was there, but I was too afraid of getting in trouble and arrested, so I ignored anyone offering me drugs, that’s not who I was.
By the time I was in college I thought I was past my depression, my grades never fell below a B, I had an amazing girlfriend, I was the leader of the college’s LGBT club, I had a large group of friends. At that time I thought I was happy, and I actually was. When graduation came, and we all went our separate ways, the depression hit extremely hard. I missed what I had in college, I knew that I would not be able to go back, so I tried to find new friends, that’s when I started going to the local gay bar after I turned 21.
The first night at the bar was amazing, I met a lot of new friends, and since it was my 21st birthday I had strangers buying me drinks left and right. I remember the taste of my first drink; it was a tropical drink that was served in a small bucket. The drink had around 7 different types of alcohol in it, but it tasted so amazing that you couldn’t even taste the alcohol. I had 5 buckets that night, followed by some beer and shots, I felt amazing, people were talking to me, and at that moment I felt like I belonged somewhere. The next day that amazing feeling died down, and the depression came back. I hated the constant feeling of depression and wished that I could just go back to how I felt the night before.
I went back to that same bar the next night, and that night there was a drag show, so I decided to stay for the show. As I was watching I noticed that all performers would get free drinks on the nights that they would perform. At that time I thought it was a sign, all I had to do was perform drag and I would get as many drinks as I wanted, it was fun and I got to feel amazing while doing it. I did that for a few years, it was to the point where I would drink 8 buckets, 3 beers, and 10 jello shots every working night, to me that was normal and I never once thought it was an addiction. I never thought of myself as an alcoholic till I started hanging around a group of people from the bigger town over. They wanted me to move to their town to perform at the bars up there. I jumped on that opportunity to move from my small town to a bigger town, that’s when my drinking became a major problem.
It seemed like that almost every night we would have shows, and it soon became a tradition that we would have pre-show drinks, which then lead to drinking during the show, then lead to after-party drinks. It felt amazing, and I loved every moment of it. It seemed as though my depression vanished, but it didn’t. I was just masking it behind the drunkenness. The night that I realized that I had a problem was when we were at a bar. This man started a fight with us, and normally I would not even fight back, I would just go to the bouncer and tell him we are having a problem. This night though I was heavily intoxicated, so my judgment was not there, and honestly, I don’t remember what happened that night, all I remember was the smell of blood and running out of the bar. When I was away from the bar I heard sirens, then looked at me and noticed that I had deep cuts on my arms and hands. My friend later told me that I had used my beer bottle to hit the guy, it broke in my hand which caused me to get cut in various places. The guy was ok and only had a slight cut on his head.
After that night I realized I had a problem and that my “friends” were nothing but enablers. I started to look into detoxing programs, but after reading about them I knew that I would have to tell someone about it to help me. I didn’t want my family or friends to know that I was getting help. I decided that I would take matters into my own hands and detox from home, at first it sounded like a great idea but honestly, it was the hardest thing I have ever done.
They say that it takes at least 30 days to get rid of cravings and addictions, so I decided that I would buy enough food and snacks to last me the whole 30 days. I decided to start on November 1st, it may sound cheesy but I wanted to be sober as a Christmas present to myself. I had my last beer at 11 pm on October 31st, then I drank about a gallon of water that night, I thought that it would help me flush my system. When I got up the morning of November 1st, I felt like I was achieving something, you know that feeling when you start a diet and go for a mile walk and you feel like you already look like a god? Well that’s how I felt, it wasn’t until 10am I started craving a beer. Normally I would have a beer every time I woke up, and the craving was heavy, I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth and that’s when I noticed my mouthwash. I was not even past my first day and I was already desperate enough to drink mouthwash, I didn’t by the way. I took a large trash bag and purged my house of anything that had alcohol in it, I even threw away markers, spray paint cans, and medicine.
I read that it’s best if you decide to sit in a room and distract yourself with reading and tv, and even try to go over on why you became an alcoholic. I didn’t want to do any of that, all I wanted to do was sleep.
A few days passed and I didn’t feel any better, I was nauseated and I was extremely agitated. Every sound felt as though it was poking my brain with a cattle prod, which then eventually caused me to throw up. I had no appetite, the idea of eating anything would cause me to throw up. Normally if I was detoxing in a facility I would have a nurse checking on me every 2 hours to check my vital signs and to make sure that I was ok. So it scared me that I was alone, I could pass out and choke on my vomit and no one would know, at least in enough time anyway.
I felt alone, and by this time I wish I was at a facility. At the facility, they have group meetings, and they can talk with others and get support from others who were going through the same situation. I was going to go, but I liked the idea of being in my own home, so I decided to stay. I took this time to reflect, and all of my deepest emotions started to surface. I felt like a failure, I became what I never wanted to become, but at the same time, I felt a small tinge of pride that I took the leap to get better before things got really bad. Eventually, I wanted kids, and I would never want my kids growing up with an alcoholic for a mother.
After a few more days the physical symptoms started to go away. I was still feeling drowsy, irritated, and shivering all of the time, but the severity was getting less and less. I noticed that my need to drink came from the fact I could not handle stress all that well. I learned that every time I would get stressed I could calm myself down if I started writing or doing something creative.
I still never felt normal though, I tested my own vitals and my heart rate was through the roof, then the thought of “one drink could settle it, one drink could make me calm down” I thought that for a few hours till I actually looked through the internet of my phone and found that the local liquor store offered delivery. I broke and I put an order in. I got drunk that night, and as I was drinking I was crying. I knew I messed up, I knew that this would not have happened if I had chosen to detox at a proper facility. I was so angry with myself, but I knew that I could do it, but I couldn’t do it alone and I still wanted to do it at home. I broke down and called my friend that I have known for almost 20 years.
She didn’t judge me, not at all, but she wasn’t nice to me either, she is a hard ass and I knew that with her help I could stay on track. So I started the next day again. It seemed as though the symptoms were worse this time around than the first time that I tried. The headaches were horrible, and I started to throw up immediately. My body ached so bad, it felt as though my skeleton was trying to jump out of the skin!
5 Days had passed and I was starting to do a little better, I wasn’t as agitated as I was the first time, and honestly, I was starting to feel amazing. I ate my first meal in a while, it was McDonald’s, but the greasiness of the hamburger made me feel so much better. Day 7 came, and I didn’t even think about alcohol, I learned how to cope with the stress, and it helped to have a friend around to talk to and watch movies with. Never underestimate the power of how good a company can affect you both in positive and negative ways.
I have been sober for almost a year now, and honestly, I would never look back. Though I know detoxing at home was difficult, I think for others a facility would be a much safer environment.
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