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My long abusive relationship with alcohol began when I was 13 years of age. My brother was 23 at the time, and had a big piece of furniture in which he had a big stash of booze that he would steal from parties he went to. To him, they were his little trophies. Rather expensive bottles that he managed to snatch from “the rich” as he put it.
My brother was the one who introduced me to booze. He basically made me a sales pitch on why it was so great. He would tell me epic tales of his parties with friends. How they would run from the cops, get into fights and win (I’m not sure I believe that), and how many women he hooked up with while drunk. He told me that, above all, alcohol makes you extremely happy. My brother was most likely addicted as well, but he ended up quitting as soon as he stopped partying and never turned back into booze, so maybe he just abused it, or maybe he was in control, unlike I would be.
After my brother convinced me to drink, I began stealing some of his bottles and drinking them with friends. To me, the first time I drank was “epic”. What had happened was that I ended up passing on the couch, vomiting on a friend, I had to be carried to bed, and basically woke up like half a day later. My friends were laughing their asses off, and so was I. This was the beginning of a very toxic relationship with drinking.
This escalated very quickly. As soon as my brother found out I was stealing from him, I expected to get beaten, but, to my surprise, he was proud, and began buying alcohol for me every time I asked him. I basically became the alcohol “dealer” at my parties. We were all 13-14 at the time, dumb kids who had their hands on the magical potion that made everyone more “confident” and able to approach women, dance, kiss, and eventually pass out, fight, or vomit. What I’m grateful for, is that smartphones weren’t a thing back then, there was no one who could record us while doing stupid stuff. I’m weeping right now for the new generations who will have all of their embarrassing moments recorded on Instagram.
And well, this part was obvious, but eventually our school found out about our drinking because of some friends that were terrible at hiding their drunkenness and alcohol breath. Our teachers were furious. They began showing us the dangers of alcohol abuse at a young age, and all of that stuff. We laughed it off and didn’t pay attention to them because they were “the boring adults” or the “party poopers”.
It took them two weeks of interrogating our class to find out that I was delivering the alcohol (someone ended up snitching on me). My parents were called, but “fortunately” they didn’t give a single damn about what I or my brother did – They just nodded and said they would handle it. When they got home, I was so anxious I had taken a couple of vodka shots to calm my nerves down. I was expecting the worst. Instead, they laughed and told me “there are snitches in your class, keep the booze to your closest friends”. At the time, I felt amazing, because I didn’t have to stop drinking. I felt like a “macho man” for drinking. I made my whole persona around being a badass drinker like the cowboys from the movies.
It didn’t take long for my drinking to become a real-life problem. I would go out with my friends and skate after school and, when the night came, I would take the bottles out and began drinking with them. The thing is, that kids from other schools also happened to go skate there, and we hated it because they often took our spots, and honestly, they were better than us, and we were pissed. The hatred became ten times worse when drunk. At first, we just insulted them from a distance, and threw sticks at them, but eventually, it escalated into full blown fights. We were basically getting drunk and fighting with whoever we could. It got so bad that basically no one ended up going to that skatepark but us. This went on until a group of older boys (probably someone’s brother) surprised us at the skatepark and beat the living sh*t out of us.
I tried to get help from my bigger brother and his friends, but they didn’t want to fight. During this time, my brother had begun sensing that something was off with me. His years of experience could make him tell when I was drunk or slightly tipsy, but he kept it to himself.
Everyone knew I was fighting people, my scars and bruises made that clear. But as I said, my parents didn’t really care as long as I was still in school and getting decent grades.
This went on and on until I became 16. I got into a relationship and, for the first time, I didn’t have the desire to drink. I started going out less and less, and drinking moderately, mainly because my girlfriend at the time hated drinking and didn’t let me drink. Being honest, I craved drinking a lot, but my love for her was bigger than my desire to drink at the time.
After that came two years of peace, of barely drinking. As a matter of fact, my life had changed for the better but I had no idea it was because I hadn’t been drinking as much. I thought it was because of my relationship, but I secretly despised her a bit for not letting me drink. When I turned 18, she cheated on me. She revealed to me that she had been unfaithful for the past 10 months. I was shattered, my whole world crumbled before me. I became extremely, deeply depressed. And you can guess what happened next.
Yes, I turned back to drinking. And when I say drinking, I mean HEAVY drinking. A liter of rum per party, minimum. I wasn’t drinking on my own just yet, but I knew I was headed down there. I used alcohol whenever I felt slightly stressed, or whenever floods of her memories started coming back. I felt so ashamed and guilty for not having found out about her infidelity sooner. I could only interpret this as karma for all the people I fought with in the past.
This grief lasted for years. Slowly, I began becoming a full blown alcoholic. I transitioned from being a social drinker to being an everyday drinker in the span of two years. It got so bad, that even my careless parents began to actually worry about me for the first time. I hadn’t entered college yet, I was working a minimum wage job. I had told my family that I wanted to make some money first, but honestly, I was terrified of going to college, especially because I wouldn’t be able to drink every night, or that’s what I thought at the time. I thought someone was going to snitch on me or that my grades would tank.
I was drinking whatever I had, every single night. Half a bottle of either rum or vodka, and if I craved more, I drank a couple of beers or ciders. At this time, my brother had moved out of the house, so he had no idea I was an alcoholic. Maybe, he would have helped me get sober sooner, but I never asked for help. I truly didn’t think it was a problem.
At 22, I joined college. I wanted to major in chemistry. That didn’t last long. My grades were disgustingly bad because I was always hungover and I always prioritized drinking and partying over studying. My tolerance was so high that I became known as the “indestructible drinker” at college, because I could easily down half a liter of vodka and still be coherent, unlike my peers. No one knew it was because I was an alcoholic. I didn’t have a roommate either, so no one truly knew. I hid my bottles and all of that jazz.
My breaking point was at 23, when I got into a car accident while blackout drunk. I didn’t hit anybody, but I totalled my car and ended up with a broken rib and left arm, which took months to fully heal. I was so embarrassed about it, that I just told people that someone had hit me with their car, but there were some suspicions, because one of my friends had seen me get into my car while wasted, after I told everyone I was taking a taxi. That was my first and last DUI.
I spent the following months trying to get into sobriety. I would go on maybe 2-3 weeks without a drink at first, but relapsed as quickly as I got sober. My friends ended up growing tired of me telling them I would not drink, and then passing out on the couch while vomiting all over everyone. They lost their faith in me. But I still had some hope.
At first, I was using willpower to overcome my addiction, but I was miserable. The cravings got worse and worse and it felt like I was denying myself of the sweet nectar of booze, so I became even more depressed.
My sobriety was basically a cycle. I would spend maybe a month or two sober, then I would think I had it under control, I started romanticizing my drinking days, then I would relapse and start all over again. Whenever I relapsed, I would go on benders for days on end. It actually felt nice because my arm and chest didn’t hurt so much when I was drunk, but it was the very reason they were broken in the first place.
This went on for two years until a very concerned buddy lent me a book that had helped him quit drinking. This book was “How to control your drinking” By Allen Carr, or something like that. It basically showed me that alcohol was all an illusion and there are zero benefits to drinking.
I was amazed. I had been under a spell for the last 10 years since I first took a sip out of the stolen bottles of my brother. I was now free.
I kid you not, after I finished that book, I never drank again, not even a drop. Now, I don’t guarantee you that it will be the same for you. Keep in mind that I had to get a DUI to realize I was an alcoholic, and my constant pain kept reminding me that I had to quit, so maybe the book worked as some sort of confirmation bias for me. I hope it can help you too.
If you suspect you are on the road to becoming an alcoholic, please, read this book. It may at least kick you off into this journey of sobriety. It is MUCH better. I don’t drive drunk anymore. I don’t vomit all over someone else and I don’t act like an idiot anymore.
I lost 30lbs, my face looked amazing, and I even got a membership to the gym! My life has only gone up since I quit. Keep in mind that there will also be bad times as well, life is a rollercoaster, and quitting will not make it magically better, but at least you’ll feel better, and you’ll be rid of a major problem down the line.
Stay strong, realize that booze has no benefits, become disciplined, say no to drinking. If your friends offer you a drink, tell them you are sober for a while, or that you have a big exam to prepare. Stay safe. I love you all.
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