Looking in from the outside any reasonable person would assume that I loved to drink. Particularly after seeing the quantity I would put away on a night out.
But appearances are often deceiving.
While someone looking in might see a happy, ‘life of the party’, drunk. What they are not seeing is the number of pre-drinks that were put away before this point. Nor are they likely to see the post-drinks that are yet to be put away. Those late late night drinks after everyone else is long in bed.
They also don’t see the constant strategizing that takes place. The constant thinking about where the next beer will come from.
They also don’t see the fear that is running through my mind. What if someone finds out how much I have drank? What will they say? What if they tell others?
They also don’t see the next day. The sweats, the headaches, the nausea. The dread that washes over you when waking up and you have to run through everything you did the night before to see if there’s anything you need to apologize for today.
No. Nobody sees all of this. That is just between us and the booze.
So did I actually enjoy drinking? No I don’t think I did. It was just something I felt I had to do.
And that is what I tell myself whenever the urge to drink crops up. What is the point in throwing away my sobriety. Especially for something I didn’t even enjoy doing in the first place.
IWNDWYT – I will not drink with you today
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