Mike Jacobsen

I have spoken before about common triggers and how to avoid them. In that post I delved into the various ways we might be tempted into drinking. But what I didn’t do was talk about what we should do if we gave into that temptation.

If I were a betting man I would guess that from the moment of saying “I quit drinking” through to the here and now 100% of sober people have slipped up and had a drink.

Just think in your own life how many times you woke up after a particularly heavy session and said “no more”. How long did it take before you had another drink?

Exactly.

“But I only said it those other times because I was massively hungover. I’m fully on-board this time”

That’s great.

Did you know that relapse rates for people with Alcohol Use Disorder are between 40-60%?

Does not make for optimistic reading. Some good news I can tell you though. Is that I personally know dozens of happy sober people who have previously had alcohol abuse issues. Every single one of them had a slip up on their path to sobriety, but every single one of them overcame it and are now living a booze free life.

So now we know that a lot of people will slip up at one time or another. Let’s look into what can be done when we have faced a setback.

Don’t compound the setback

It’s common to think “well I’ve already broken my sobriety by having one glass. I may as well get drunk now and start again tomorrow”.

It’s my view that these feelings come from how much importance the length of sobriety appears to be in some circles.

So much focus is put on how long you have been sober for that when you slip you feel you have wasted all that time

“Damn I had 100 days sober but now I’ve gone and blown it”

Sure you may have drank but have you really blown it? Does having a drink today mean that you were retroactively drunk for the previous 100 days?

Of course not.

Don’t worry so much about the number and focus on becoming comfortable and happy in sobriety. That way if you do slip up you will be less likely to compound the error because you are less gutted about losing your streak and more concerned about getting back to sobriety.

The aim isn’t to beat some high score, the aim is to be happy with yourself and your sobriety

– Tweet this

Take ownership of the setback

“Becky invited me out for drinks its her fault”
“It’s the government’s fault for allowing alcohol companies to advertise”
“My dad was an alcoholic it’s in my genes”

By assigning blame for your drinking to other people you are saying that you hold no agency in life. You have no free will. Things just happen to you and there is nothing you can do to stop it.

Which is bullshit.

Tell Becky no. Ignore the adverts. Don’t drink just because your dad drank.

Take ownership of the setback. Tell yourself that it was you who slipped up. Then you can look at why you slipped up and take corrective action to prevent re-occurrence.

If you just say it was someone else’s fault then you can’t prevent it from happening again. When you take ownership of the slip up you take ownership of the solution.

Don’t let the lapse turn into a relapse

Similar to how you should not compound the setback you should also not treat the setback as proof that you are incapable of being sober.

You have failed but you are not a failure

Everyone is capable of a happy sober life. Don’t let a setback keep you from yours. Learn from your mistakes and try again.

Use it as a learning exercise

What made you slip? Why did it make you slip? Will it make you slip again in the future? How can you stop it from making you slip again?

When I first quit drinking I thought that I could still do all of the same things as I used to do. Just this time without the booze. I soon found out I was wrong when I was in the pub watching sports and before I knew it I was 8 pints deep and the afternoon had barely begun.

The next day when I got out of my pit I sat down and thought over the day’s events.

1. I slipped because I was in a pub. No. I slipped because I was in a pub AND I was bored
2. Given the same circumstances I was very likely to slip again
3. I had to steer clear of pubs until I was more comfortable being in a room full of people drinking
4. When I was comfortable being in pubs sober I needed to ensure I would be entertained. So either with a group of friends who can hold a conversation or when there was a really good sporting event on the telly. Preferably both.

Get help

Why do it alone. Speak to a friend. Go to your nearest or favorite meeting and tell them you slipped and are looking for guidance on what to do from here. Call your sponsor if you are worried you might slip even further. Hit the chat rooms and talk to other AF people 24/7.

Sure you might be strong enough to tackle a setback on your own. But why take the chance when there are plenty of resources around.

For those of you who have successfully navigated your way out of a setback what worked for you? Share with us in the comments below.

Very few people are successful at quitting alcohol first time around. From the people that I know who are now happily sober only one of them was able to give it up for good at the first time of asking. What ‘normal’ people don’t realize is that quitting drinking is a lot harder than just not having a drink.

Just think how many times in your own life you have said “No more. I’m quitting as of right now”. Only to find yourself with a drink in hand just days later.

This is because, while the drive to quit was there, something triggered that urge to drink. A trigger – in sobriety terms – is something that puts the urge to drink in our heads. An example would be where you are taking a walk in the park, haven’t thought about booze for days, when you see an old drinking buddy. Immediately a trigger goes in your brain and you’re thinking about drinking.

Over time these triggers occur less and less and when they do occur we have the strength to handle them. At the beginning of the sober journey though; triggers can easily turn into lapses which can lead to full relapses.

Most triggers can be categorized into one of these 4 buckets:

• Environmental Triggers
• Situational Triggers
• Exposure Triggers
• Withdrawal Triggers

Withdrawal triggers I think are the hardest to ignore. When you go through withdrawal from alcohol even at the best of times you feel incredibly shitty. The shakes, sweating, nausea, headaches. All those symptoms would go away with a drink. And that right there is the trigger.

In those moments you need to remember your reasons for doing this and remind yourself that it is not worth risking your long term happiness for some short term relief.

Let’s take a look at some of the most common alcohol triggers and see what can be done to avoid them.

Withdrawal symptoms

I’ve mentioned these already. These can be particularly brutal if you are coming off alcohol cold turkey. The worst of the symptoms should subside after a few days, however it could take months for your body to be fully detoxed.

How to Avoid: Try detoxing under the supervision of a medical professional. They will be able to provide medication that will help you through the worst of it. Also hit as many meetings as you can. It will be helpful to be around other people who have been through what you are going through.

Emotional Distress

If you use alcohol as a coping mechanism this is one you should watch out for. It doesn’t have to be some great big emotional disaster, like a loved one dying, for the trigger to happen. It could be as simple as a friend cancelling plans. Or a rejection from a romantic interest.

How to Avoid: Unfortunately emotional distresses are by and large unavoidable. You can’t stop loved ones from dying. You can’t stay at home and wrap yourself in cotton wool to avoid ever being hurt. It’s just not feasible. What you can do however is surround yourselves with a support network of friends and sober companions who you can lean on when times become difficult. Remember a friend is easier to lean on than a bottle.

Peer Pressure

There will always be peer pressure in life. You might think that it goes away once you finish school but it doesn’t. There will always be someone nagging at you like Mrs. Doyle (ah go on) to have a drink. These people are not usually doing so because they want you to fail they are just ignorant to what might happen.

(Father Ted Series 1 Episode 4 – A cracking show if you haven’t seen it)

How to Avoid: This problem you can tackle straight on. Sit down with your friends and tell them that you are no longer drinking and would appreciate it if they showed you some support while you adjust to your new sober lifestyle. Alternatively if that is not possible (maybe your friends are dicks) then avoid those people who will pressure you into drinking. Or if you cannot avoid them learn to say “No” and “I said no” and “Fuck off”. In that order.

Disposable Cash

Lots of cash in your pocket is always a great excuse to celebrate. And we know what our favorite way to celebrate is don’t we?

Yup that’s right, with booze.

How to Avoid: Give away all your money so you can’t afford any booze!

Well maybe not that. What you could do instead is invest your money. I have some of my money in a high interest savings account that takes a day or two to transfer into my current account. This way if I do need money I can have it fairly quickly however I never have more than I need on hand for the next few days of expenses.

Testing Yourself

A lot of people relapse because they want to test their self-control. They want to prove that they have conquered alcohol and can now resist ‘going overboard’.

How to Avoid: Don’t do that.

Not really a difficult one to avoid. Just remember why you quit drinking in the first place. Do you really want to risk going back to how it was before?

Old Habits

For me it was a few cans while I sat down and played games. For others it could be the pint after work. Or the glass of wine while cooking dinner. When you get into a habit of drinking at a certain time or during a certain activity just doing that activity could be a trigger to drink.

Think Pavlov and his dogs. Except instead of the food you have booze and instead of the bell you have whatever activity is triggering to you.

How to Avoid: Literally avoid it. I knew when I quit drinking that it would be hard to sit down and play games without a drink. So I didn’t play games. Sure I could have played games without drinking (as I do now) but I knew that might trigger me so I didn’t. Not until I knew I was ready. Same with that pint after work. Just go straight home. If you need a glass of wine while you cook then don’t cook, get someone else to do it. Or eat out. Or make simpler meals.

Remember you are allowed to be a little bit selfish when it comes to your sobriety (Tweet This)

Exposure

TV, Movies, Billboards, Concerts, Restaurants, Supermarkets, Friend’s houses. Alcohol is everywhere. And for some this can be triggering. When adverts for alcohol are so ubiquitous and people are drinking everywhere it can be easy for someone to relapse

“Hey, if its everywhere it can’t be that bad”.

How to Avoid: Unfortunately avoiding exposure triggers is almost impossible. All you can do is limit how much you are exposed. Don’t keep alcohol around your house. Limit your visits to bars and restaurants if you feel they may cause you to relapse. When exposure is inevitable just remind yourself of your new sobriety. Remember why you started and all the good it has brought you since you began.

What are your triggers and how do you avoid them? Share with us in the comments below.

Change is new. Change is the unknown. Change is scary.

Stopping drinking is a change. And it is hard. And it is definitely scary.

It is these fears that often prevent us from taking that first step and just saying “enough”. I know it took me years to come to terms with my drinking. I knew for a long time that I should stop but something was not letting me take that quitting step. Looking back now it is obvious I was afraid. Afraid of the unknown.

In this post we are going to look at what scares us the most about quitting drinking and how we can dispel these fears.

1 – I’m afraid I will become boring

2 – I’m afraid life will become boring

These together I call the boredom one-two punch. Starting with the left-hand jab of a fear of becoming boring. And rounding off with the right cross of life being boring.

Boring You
I don’t know about you but when I see a drunk guy being loud and making a fool of himself I don’t think “Wow that guy sure is interesting”.

No I just think “what a clown”.

If you think being drunk makes you interesting then you are dead wrong. You might be more reserved when you are sober (less dancing on the tables) but that doesn’t mean boring.

Alcohol lowers your inhibitions – which inevitably leads to doing things you regret. But it also leads to some pretty epic adventures. The first time I went sky diving was because I booked and paid for it while I was drunk.

(Damn was I pissed at myself when I woke up that next day)

Sober me would never have booked that, but it turned out to be one of the most exhilarating things I’ve ever done. When I became sober I forced myself to be more adventurous. I tried to think of what drunk me would do – removed the stupid ideas – and went with that.

The trick I found to keeping life interesting was to step outside of my comfort zone more often. The more I pushed myself the more fun I had. Eventually it stopped being about stepping out of my comfort zone as my life is now exciting enough without having to push myself!

If you are nervous start small. Try a new style of restaurant. Take a walk in a new area. Pick up a new hobby. Dance like no-one is watching

Boring life
If what you are doing is no longer fun without alcohol was it ever really fun to begin with?

Think about it. Was the activity you were doing fun or were you just entertained by the alcohol?

There’s no shame in saying the alcohol.

I found when I quit drinking that my afternoons down the pub became instantly boring. I thought the sports on the T.V and the conversation was what kept me coming back. But no, it was the alcohol.

So yes if you continue doing the same things and expecting them to be the same level of fun then your life might become boring.

But who said you have to do the same things now that you are sober? Now that you are not tied to certain locations (alcohol selling locations) you are free to do whatever you want.

Make your life as interesting as you want it to be.

Here’s some tips to get you started from the guys over at Alux:

3 – I’m afraid if I have to stop it means I am an alcoholic

Making the choice to stop drinking is NOT admitting you are an alcoholic (a term I hate by the way). Many people stop drinking for many different reasons.

All you need to tell yourself is that without alcohol your life will be better. It is as simple as that.

You never hear vegans say they are ex-meat eaters.

People who quit smoking don’t call themselves smokeaholics

Don’t think of it as quitting drinking. Think of it as starting sobriety.

4 – I’m afraid people will treat me differently if I tell them I am an alcoholic.

See above re: the term “alcoholic”.

After reading the previous entry this fear should be “I’m afraid of what people will say when I tell them I am not drinking anymore”.

First of all. Why tell them anything? The only people I told when I stopped drinking were my family and really close friends.

Everyone else I just gave non-committal or evasive answers:

“Want to come for a drink?” – No thanks
“Are you not drinking today?” – Nope
“Is that just a coke?” – Yup
“Why?” – Just because…How about this weather we’ve been having?

It’s up to me who I tell and what I tell them. It’s OK to be a little selfish when it comes to your sobriety. (Tweet This)

Obviously the cat will get out of the bag eventually. People will start to talk and some will just figure it out themselves. Not all of these people will react positively. I find this is more a reflection of that person’s own relationship with alcohol than any issue they have with mine. I.e. they are projecting their own problems onto you.

How to deal with these negative people?

Fuck them
(not literally)

Are they really your friend/loved one if they are not supportive of you? Cut them out of your life until they have dealt with their own issues. Make no mistake these are their issues and not yours.

5 – I’m afraid I would lose all my friends

You will not lose any friends. Only drinking proximity acquaintances.

Your real friends are the ones who you will still see when you are sober. The friends you can do other non-drinking activities with. The friends that you are happy to sit with while they drink (and you stick to the water) as the conversation still maintains your interest.

The people who fall by the wayside when you stop drinking are not your friends. They probably never were. Just people you drank with.

6 – I’m afraid that I will fail

Craig Beck, author of ‘Alcohol Lied to Me’ (available free here if you sit through his presentation), says it best in the below video:

“If you are afraid of stopping drinking in case you fail. By staying in that place you are guaranteeing you’re going to get the outcome you’re most afraid of.”

My take on failure is this.

So what?

So you tried to quit drinking and failed.

So what?

Is anything really different now than it was before? Have you actually lost anything?

No. You tried to do something and hit a setback.

Try again. Try as many times as you need until you get it right. I slipped a few times before I got on the path I am on today. You may fail, but you are only really a failure if you give up.

7 – I’m afraid I don’t know how

Read. And read some more. Read about the 12 steps. Read about cold turkey. Read about tapering. Read how I quit drinking. Read /r/stopdrinking. Read Allen Carr’s Easy Way. Read about treatment programs.

Read all there is to read. Learn all there is to learn. And then IMPLEMENT.

Take what you think will work for you and start with it. If you fail. Pick yourself back up, read some more and try again.

8 – I’m afraid everything will change.

Yes it will. And it will be great.

I promise you. It will be great.