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The author who sent this story to us is Matias.
Recognizing yourself as an alcoholic is not easy. Often others notice it before oneself, when they see your red nose or half-closed eyes, the worn skin, the swollen face, the shaking hands, the hesitations…
Hello, my name is Matias. I was a pretty lonely kid. I was quiet, wise, intelligent, but ruled by fear. When I went to school and saw other spontaneous children who played, did mischief, who had no problems making friends and I was envious, because I spent recess alone, or with two other children who, like me, “stood out” for being quiet and invisible. I lived trying to show the world that I was worth; I dreamed of glory and fortune, because deep down I felt that I was worthless. I was trying to be perfect; to get good grades, which was not a problem for me, to be good at physical education, which was a tremendous problem, and to excel in other areas such as singing or dancing.
When I was thirteen, I decided to write a book about my life. I started writing it several times, but I abandoned the project because it seemed to me that no one could be interested in the life of an invisible young man like me. When my classmates started having girlfriends, I became more isolated. I couldn’t connect with those feelings they were talking about. The predominant feeling that I experienced was pain. Whenever I tried to feel something, I felt pain. Pain for my life, for my situation, for my loneliness and my shyness.
One day, at fourteen years old, at a party, I was left alone, sitting next to snacks and drinks, while the others had fun. I decided to try a shot of brandy. Most of my friends already drank alcohol, but I had never tried it. It tasted horrible to me. It entered me like a reverse cat clawing all over my esophagus. It was one of the most horrible sensations I have ever had in my life… followed by one of the most beautiful sensations. After two minutes, the music did not seem so strident, boys and girls did not seem so unfriendly, I began to speak naturally and spontaneously, I was even funny!
That night I danced, I talked, I interacted, I joined in, they told me that I had sharp and hilarious notes, well, I found what I had been looking for all my life. It was love at first sight. For the first time I did not feel alone. For the first time I was not the wrong boy. Not only did I feel like I belonged, but I felt like I was the center of attention.
That night I came home and asked myself how I could have gone so long without having known this magical elixir. How could I have survived so long without that wonderful liquid that quenched the thirst of the soul. I wanted to drink it again as soon as possible.
From that moment on, I felt perfect. I was a good student, good at sports, good at many other things, and finally I excelled at something I had never been good at in life: socializing. Every weekend they invited me to meetings; I received phone calls, I stopped being the lonely and studious boy, to gradually become a kind of leader. My most secret dreams were coming true. At that time, it never occurred to me to think that the remedy to all the problems in my life would be a few years later, the cause of all my problems and the origin of my downfall.
How did that happen?
My parents, both children of alcoholics, didn´t like my open love for alcohol. They told me that it was not good to depend on alcohol. They even took me to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting where they read me twelve questions and I came to the conclusion that I was not an alcoholic. It was clear that alcoholics had problems due to alcohol. On the other hand, I was a good student, loved and admired by all my friends and I felt that I had no problem. I went to college and continued my alcoholic career. I still didn’t feel like I had problems. Other problems came to me, but at the time I said they were due to factors that weren’t alcohol. For example, my girlfriend got pregnant. We were young and we didn’t know what was coming. We decided to get married. We believed that with the love we had for each other, we would overcome all adversities. Now I think we could have done it, if it hadn’t been for my alcoholism getting in the way. I was not emotionally ready to live with someone and share. I loved my wife dearly, but was unwilling to stop going out with my friends on the weekends. I didn’t want to quit smoking, I didn’t want to stop playing loud music. My pregnant wife started complaining to me. I felt that she had become intolerant and irascible. Over time I have realized that she was maturing and preparing for the change in life that having a baby in the house involved. But I was another baby and didn’t understand. My son was born and I felt the infinite love that one can feel towards a son… and a few months later the marriage ended.
I felt the infinite sadness, the devastating loneliness and finally had an excuse to drink as much as I wanted, without anyone bothering my life. I wanted to die. I had no reason to go on living. I felt a pain that didn’t even allow me to breathe. My soul ached from the time I got up, until I went to bed. I wanted to be asleep or anesthetized all the time. I started drinking alone. I drank to start the day, to go to class, to go to work, and to sleep. I started with a cup of milk with a little brandy when I got up, which gradually transformed into a mixture that contained more and more brandy and less milk, until I ended up drinking a full glass of brandy to start the day.
At that point I had already lost control, but I still needed to lose much more to “hit bottom.” I finished my career with great difficulty. It was never difficult for me to learn. What was difficult for me was getting out of bed to fulfill my obligations both at university and at work. I punished myself by not attending the graduation ceremony. I claimed the diploma at the window and kept working and dying inside. Meanwhile, my son grew up without a father who, with the excuse that the pain would not let him move, did not bother to create bonds with him.
Some time later I lost my job. Despite everything, I was very good at my job. I felt underpaid and exploited, so I thought that this could be an opportunity to do something better. At the time, I thought I had lost my job because of a restructuring and not because of my alcoholism. However, I have realized that although I was very competent and did my job very well, I was also confrontational, and was not a good element within the team.
My life as an unemployed alcoholic began. I got a sex addicted alcoholic girlfriend who quickly moved in with me. While I got a job, we lived and drank from what they gave me as a settlement. We drank until we were brutal any day at any time. We spent days and sometimes even weeks locked up, drinking, not bathing or dressing, having sex, and ordering drinks and food at home. I can’t deny that I enjoyed it. However, in the midst of my unconsciousness, I couldn’t help but think that I was wasting my life and that this was a life without meaning or future.
Economic ruin inevitably came. I had to move in with my parents again. At that moment I decided to ask for help. I never heard from my girlfriend again. She had to be drunk and having sex all the time, and when I went to my parents, it was no longer a good match for her. I came to Alcoholics Anonymous ten years ago. Since then I have been abstaining and have lived the best days of my life. Just by quitting drinking, my life improved in every way. But I decided not to just stay there, because the program promises much more. It promises that I will live happily without the need to drink. It is not just stopping. The biggest prize is in being happy.
During the process, specially on steps 4 and 5, I have realized that I have the tendency to engage in any kind of compulsive behavior to escape my reality. My underlying problem is the fear and pain that this fear produces in me due to the inability it generates in me to react, to set healthy limits, to make myself respected; and my life can be divided into stages in which I have had to use crutches to overcome fear, and stages in which I have blindfolded myself so as not to see that I am being ruled by fear.
To overcome fear I have used alcohol, caffeine, energy drinks, psychiatric medications, pride, false feelings of superiority and any type of stimulant. All of those take away my natural tendency to lie in a fetal position on my bed. In order not to see that I am being governed by fear, I have taken refuge in compulsive sex, on television, on the internet, in the arms of my partner on duty, in food, in compulsive procrastination, in perfectionism, in finally, anything that makes me feel good; doing what I felt I had to do to grow or get ahead.
Whenever I was isolated or leaving my actions for later, as long as I stayed in my comfort zone, I was most likely being ruled by fear. And whatever behavior I was compulsively executing, it made me feel good to continue in denial.
At first I thought I had a congenital tendency to be addicted to everything. Now, in recovery, I have realized that my problem, like many people’s, is fear. Now I believe that I have had a great advantage in hitting bottom with alcohol, because this has led me on a path that has allowed me to begin to see myself inward. Many of the people who have pointed their finger at me as an alcoholic ; that they have accused me with their poisonous tongue, they have lived all their lives governed by fear, unable to realize what is causing them to eat compulsively; to stay locked in their homes watching television; to postpone decisions and actions, unconsciously precipitating their own failure; to hide in your comfort zone; not to fight for their dreams; to die frustrated feeling a disappointment to themselves and to the world.
Sorry… By saying this, I see that I must continue working to heal my resentments. Many of those who have tried and convicted me will have their reasons for doing so. I have made mistakes and I am not a saint, but I must focus on myself. To repair the faults I have committed and not to commit the same faults again. In the part that I can fix. With resentment towards others, I am not making any reparation, neither to them, nor to myself. Resentment prevents me from seeing my own faults. It makes me look outside, distracting me from where I should put all my attention, from the root of my illness: my own fear!
There is a feeling of total human failure in admitting that one is an alcoholic. A feeling made of shame, guilt, rage against oneself and fear. What will I become from now on? What have I done, how could this happen to me?
In my opinion, alcoholism is an irreversible chronic disease of extreme severity . Still, it is possible to get ahead. But for this to be possible, a first step is essential: that the alcoholic assumes his condition and makes the voluntary decision to rehabilitate. Assuming it took me almost three years of lies and excuses, of secretly drinking, of trying to hide bad breath and symptoms of drunkenness. Now I can ensure that the effect of alcoholism is a gradual decline of the soul, but over time it gets faster and more notorious, until reaching its complete destruction. One day I remember asking myself: Can´t you just simply get out of your situation? No. The alcoholic is a person dominated by a substance that overrides his will and, therefore, his capacity for discernment and perception.
The lies, excuses, the disrespect, the tantrums and emotional blackmail are the favorite tools of an alcoholic, and they are used in a manner so abusive that they become a way of life. I was no exception to this, and that is why I can assure that it is no exaggeration to say that the life of an alcoholic person may seem like hell. Why so much liying? Because his will has been abolished, the alcoholic is essentially a fearful person, and the first of his fears is none other than his condition being pointed out. The alcohol is socially present almost everywhere, and apparently everyone knows to treat it without losing control. The image of an alcoholic in the collective imagination is that of an outcast.
Anyways, one day the “click” happened, as many rehabbed or rehab alcoholics call it, that moment of lucidity, of strange, desperate and blessed lucidity, in which you finally say it. You say to yourself: yes, I am an alcoholic. I am an alcoholic and I need help.
For the first few days, my body’s reaction to the cocktail of drugs that I had to take to withstand the abstinence syndrome was concentrated in my legs, which couldn’t stand me. The impact of seeing myself in a center for alcoholics, in pajamas, supported by a walker, will not fade for years that I live. After 15 days I felt strong and free, for the first time in a long time, I felt as if i was “born again”.
However, detoxing is still just another first step. The real work starts after this, which is not only to live without drinking alcohol, but also, and above all, a steady and unwavering, vital learning. Once the abstinence syndrome has gone, the phase of rehabilitation begins, which lasts about two years. The alcoholic must be fully aware that he is living with a sleeping monster, and that the monster will wake up again with just a drink.
It is necessary not to get carried away by the euphoria of recovery, as much as not to fall down with the feelings of remorse, guilt and shame. In return, alcoholism offers a fast and certainly gratifying recovery: a few days after being discharged from detoxification, my physical appearance had visibly improved, as did my mood, the ability to express myself, my eyes, and body language. I had also regained clarity and mental alertness, as well as my appetite and taste for food, and within a few months my vital organs (swollen liver, triglycerides and transaminases, high blood pressure) had returned to normal.
I know that the pain that I have inflicted on myself and others can only be overcome with time and love, the same kind of love that was given to me and that saved me from my collapse. I know that tomorrow will begin another day, and from the bottom of my heart I thank myself once again for feeling the need and the joy of wanting to live.
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