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The author who sent this story to us is Hernan.
Hello, my name is Hernan. I haven’t had a drink for three years, seven months and nine days, and I achieved this thanks to the help offered to me by Alcoholics Anonymous groups.
I am 47 years old, divorced twice, with a little family and few friends, so you could say that I am a lonely person. The truth is that I do not have that terrible list of gaffes or that horrendous medical record that people expect to hear from an alcoholic who confesses, however I recognize that I starred in certain impasses, some of a very shameful intimate nature, that I would like to erase from my life.
There are very, very few people who suspected or realized that I had problems with alcohol because my obsession with taking care of my image and being the best at my job were greater than my obsession with drinking, a matter that contributed to taking a lot of work discovering and accepting that I was an alcoholic, since I felt and transmitted that I had my life under perfect control.
My background was a health crisis that got complicated because I interrupted the treatment by drinking, since one of the drugs could not be mixed with alcohol, as serious side effects were produced. In view of the fact that the doctor noticed that with time my health was deteriorating, he drew conclusions until he suspected what happened to me, and then confronted me and ordered to consult a psychiatrist. I would not tolerate my doctor accusing me of being alcoholic, so I stopped going with him and looked for other specialists in my disease, but I kept manipulating different treatments to keep drinking until my health failed so much that I had to return to the initial physician, willing to obey him in everything.
Even without accepting the fact that I suffered from alcoholism, I went to consult a psychiatrist, stopped drinking and went on my medical treatment just as he said, then I began to see that my health improved, but my desperation to drink was so terrible that I began to accept that I had a problem with alcohol. That was how I decided it was time do some research, but every time I was advised to go to Alcoholics Anonymous groups, something that I did not like, because the image I had of these groups came from movies that showed like a kind of almost religious sect where a bunch of vicious people and failures gathered to air their problems and intimacies.
The terror of irreversibly losing my health was what kept me away from drinking for a few months, but anxiety, obsession, bad mood and all that despair that abstention produces were driving me crazy … Could it be that I would have to go to Alcoholics Anonymous? No! That ridiculousness was not for me. Then, in less than six months, I changed my psychiatrist, I consulted two psychologists and nothing, until I couldn’t take it anymore, I stopped taking the drugs and started drinking again.
At that time my illness was receding; however, I was aware of what would happen to me if I did not follow the treatment correctly and, despite that, I only achieved four or a maximum of five weeks of abstinence, but I stopped taking my medications to be able to drink, and in each relapse I drank more vigorously… I lived through a terrible year, a hell, overwhelmed by guilt and fear… Fear of getting sick again, fear that my problem with drinking would be discovered at work and my friends, fear of everything! And I became paranoid.
Until one day, looking for some work information in my old notebook, I came across the information I had collected long ago on Alcoholics Anonymous and I asked myself: What do I lose by going? If I don’t like it or see that it doesn’t work for me then I’ll go out and voila, nothing happened.
Preparing to go to my first AA meeting, I became more concerned with imagining the kind of people who went to those meetings, I was concerned about dressing in a way that concealed my social and economic status, I was concerned about hiding my identity, and I was so concerned for a lot of banalities that it did not occur to me that I would go to a place where I could find some answers to the many questions I had and learn something about my problem.
I arrived at the site just on time and entered quickly so as not to give me time to regret it; Before sitting in the farthest chair I found, I managed to take a quick look at the crowd, then I noticed that there were about 20 people, more men than women, but there were people of all ages and of all strata, but they were all chatting animatedly as friends and I was struck by the fact that some of them greeted as if they already knew me. Despite the obvious general warmth, it felt like a family, and I felt like I was in the wrong place.
Which appeared to be the moderator or manager stood from his chair and greeted the group loudly and immediately the room was silent and everyone stood up looking for the people who they each had on their right and left. Then I, feeling ridiculous, ended up holding hands with the two people next to me.
Once we were all holding hands with someone, the group in unison recited the prayer of serenity, something that made me feel pathetic, with that allergy that I have to everything religious; I believed that my fears were confirmed that these groups were a kind of mystical community.
At the end of the sentence we all sat down, while I, remembering the films and parodies where they dramatize the mechanics of these groups, I supposed that now some little guy of these would come forward who, with that sly smile as false as a leather coin, would say his name, he would declare himself an alcoholic and that after the applause of the group he would begin to talk about how wonderful life was without having a drink .
But it was not like that… The moderator opened a book and evoked the first of the twelve steps and immediately read a short paragraph that referred to the importance of taking this step and, after making a brief personal comment on the reading, began to give the floor to those who raised their hands.
I was so busy analyzing people for their clothing that I could not or was not interested in listening carefully to the first testimonies they gave, until a girl of about 15 years, crying, commented that every time she had the thought that she could not have a single drink for the rest of her life made her depressed, and that she was reluctant to accept that she was an alcoholic. She told us that she had stayed sober, for the fear that it would happen again that she would wake up naked with a stranger and without knowing how she had gotten there or what had happened.
Immediately, that testimony made me remember some episodes that I had buried very deep and that I did not want to remember… Yes, something similar had happened to me: On two occasions I ended up in bed, not with strangers but with women that, with me being sober, I wouldn’t have slept. For that reason, I promised to myself that I would never accept a drink again or to be accompanied outside my house.
After listening to that testimony that impacted me so much, I began to listen carefully to what everyone was saying, but what I liked the most was that, to the extent that people gave testimonies, the moderator would look into his books for some brief sentence that would help with each case, and it caused me curiosity that it seemed that he knew the books almost by memory, because he would quickly find the most appropriate sentence, and although his extensive knowledge of the subject was evident, he did not comment on his life.
When the meeting was over, I left terrified because I was afraid to stay and chat with “those” people … Afraid of what? I do not know, the fact is that I did not want to risk staying and having someone ask me why I was there.
Once I got home I noticed that I felt calm, I did not have the usual anxiety to drink and I felt a peace that I had not experienced for a long time; in spite of my denial, I had to admit that I liked the meeting. After that I consulted my notes to see when the next meeting was.
For the next meeting, my attitude had changed a lot, to the point that this time I took my notebook to write down what I considered important or what I did not understand and I did my best to listen to everything that was said. I cannot deny that I was happy when they exposed some very heartbreaking testimonies that led me to compare myself and to think that I was not an alcoholic because I had never starred in such terrible things… However , my happiness did not last long because the moderator did a reading on “hitting rock bottom” then I understood that each person has their own background and that, in my case, it was not necessary to go lower to understand that I had problems with alcohol. What could be more profound than to repeatedly abandon my treatment to drink and thus risk being crippled for life?
Perhaps in the fourth or fifth meeting I went to, I was able to understand that the Alcoholics Anonymous program is spiritual, it is something internal, of the soul, and it seems to be designed for one to make changes in his character that allow him/her to harmonize with him/herself and with his/her environment, a matter that has nothing to do with religion; so my perspective on the matter took a 180 degree turn because, despite my opposition to following pastors and religious rites that I consider double-moralistic, I do believe in God, and listening to AA, they do not even speak of a god, but they speak of a force, of a superior being that, for me, is God, but that for others it may another name, and that even also has a form for atheists who do not believe that God exists, but feel that there is a cosmic force that governs the universe.
As I continued to attend the Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, I got to know the 12-step program and learned many characteristics of alcoholism as well as mechanisms to control it, but perhaps what helped me most at first was understanding that alcoholism really is a disease, so it was easier for me to definitively recognize that I was an alcoholic and that my problem did have a solution.
Regardless of my positive change and my constant attendance at the groups, my doctor did not accept that I would do it without psychological or psychiatric help, so I tried finding a psychologist specialized in addictions and I was lucky to find one who guides their patients based on the twelve steps of AA. Since then, he has helped me to supplement what I learn in my meetings .
Without the help of someone, it is very difficult to understand and do the program well because one would believe that the alcoholic’s problem is alcohol, but my biggest surprise was when, thanks to the groups, I understood that the heart of the matter is to discover why alcoholics need so much from the drink… Being a successful professional with an impeccable resume, it was not easy to recognize that I was a person with such low self-esteem that it led me to seek acceptance and approval from others, standing out professionally; I also discovered and had to admit that I had significant character defects that hindered all my personal relationships, issues that together led me to emotional chaos and hence my need to take refuge in my work, in my work success, in loneliness and in alcohol.
In a very humble way, I dare to say that, at least in my case, my alcoholism problem arose from my wrong attitude towards life but, to the extent that I have understood and controlled my character defects, I have achieved an existence more harmonious with myself and with my surroundings, in such a way that it is becoming easier for me to live calmly and without thinking about alcohol.
It seems that alcoholics can never get away the desire to drink because this disease is a monster that will always be there, lurking and setting traps to seduce us; that is why attending groups is so important, since the group does not only helps us understand and manage our condition, but it also teaches us to discover and defend ourselves from the traps that the disease permanently sets us and will set us.
I cannot say that thanks to Alcoholics Anonymous today I live in a paradise because the truth is that life is beautiful, but it is also hard, and not drinking does not relieve one of the typical problems of existence but it does help face them from a more assertive perspective and obviously abstention frees one from aggravating any bad situation.
An example of this is the new challenge that I am currently experiencing: The company where I work is in a bad situation, so it began to reduce staff and recently they notified me that I would be one of the victims. Seized with worry, depressed and dead with rage that night I went to my group and, crying, I told my colleagues about the problem. Why me? Why right now that I’m in my prime, that I stopped drinking? After eleven years of giving these people the best of me!
At the end of the meeting one of my colleagues told me: “Believing that by giving up the drink you will not have problems again is the same as believing that because you are a vegetarian you can walk in front of a cow that has just calved thinking that it will not attack you.” Once he said this, he drew from his pocket a card, and handed it to me without saying anything else.
On the card was printed the prayer of serenity and I have to confess that until that day I was able to understand the enormous value of this prayer:
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”
It only remains for me to say that I regret that on television, in the movies and on the radio they do humorous skits or represent AA groups in such a blurred way of reality , since this leads to people like me to form a misconception, and that makes it more difficult to make the decision to seek help . I believe that if non-alcoholics also knew the spiritual philosophies of Alcoholics Anonymous and tried to live by applying at least part of them, there would not be such unhappy people and this world would be so much better.
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