I’ve been sober 28 months now but often when I think about the day I had my first brush with alcohol, I can’t help but feel a little overwhelmed. Owing to the great efforts put by my sponsor and some of my close family members, I’m finally able to reflect back on that dark period and understand the mistakes that led me down that path.
I grew up back in the 90s when the crack epidemic was at its peak. I was never too keen on drugs and alcohol even though many people I knew in my social circle were using them. My father had alcohol dependence which took a rather negative toll on my childhood. Frequent lash outs and rage fits were common in the house. I had seen the aftermath of what alcohol dependence does to someone first-hand so there was no curiosity in me to seek out those substances throughout my teenage years. I was able to skim through my college years too, without as much as a thought or the slightest interest towards drinking. It wasn’t until I landed the job of my dreams and moved to a new city, things started to go downhill for me. I bid on the job and got it even though I don’t know anybody in the city where it was being offered. The job was demanding but it didn’t bother me much as I was doing what I loved and the pay was good too.
Now here comes the mistake that I was referring to at the beginning of my story. In an attempt to make new friends in a strange city, I started hanging out with some colleagues from the office. These were mostly my senior staff as I didn’t get along with peers of my own standing. Needless to mention, alcohol was always involved at these events. Be it a strategy meeting or a lunch meeting, alcohol was never off the list. Even though I was able to successfully convince everyone about the fact that I have never had alcohol in my life, it didn’t stop some of my managers from persuading me at almost every event. It wasn’t long until I was sucked into office politics and was asked to get more involved with my company managers if I wanted to go up the ladder quicker.
It was starting to get more and more clear that some of my senior management did not take kindly to my decision to stay sober. I would often reserve myself from attending weeknd events which is where most of the crucial decisions about work were taking place. As a result I was left out of critical decision making processes that were taking place during these personal get togethers. In a bid to not lose what I had worked so hard to achieve, I decided to give alcohol a shot. I had some members over from my team for a small shindig at my place and asked them to bring alcohol. They got me beer as it was easy to digest and the alcohol content is quite low. I figured, “what’s 8% alcohol going to do to me anyway?” Boy was I about to find out the ugly truth about ethyl alcohol that day. I was lightheaded in about 15 minutes and remember feeling very calm and pleasant at first. Unfortunately, nobody asked me to pace it during my first time as I was in the company of more or less professional level alcohol drinkers. The light feeling quickly turned into a heavy feeling and I soon called it quits before crashing on my bed.
I had mixed feelings about my first experience with alcohol and will admit that to some extent it did feel like having a liability lift off. Soon after, I started having a drink or two with the office crowd during meetings and other get-togethers. The occasional drink or two soon turned to four and within the next few months I had built up a substantial tolerance towards hard alcohol. As I was getting involved with more high-tier projects at work, the pressure was starting to mount and without realizing it, I was slowly slipping down the slope of alcohol dependence. Life changing drastically for me during this period and the attitude I once had towards alcohol was starting to shift. I no longer cared about the debilitating downsides of drinking as long it was getting me through the day. This perception nearly blew the gates wide open for the addiction to creep in. After about a year, I was completely oblivious to the fact that my alcohol intake was increasing rapidly and side effects were starting to take a toll on mental and physical health.
The first setback came after about 14 months when I started experiencing severe pain in my stomach. A doctor’s visit made it clear that it was indeed ulcers from dehydration and excessive drinking. I diligently followed my medication course and was able to stay away from hard drinking for the next couple of weeks. This short stint with sobriety wouldn’t last long and I started drinking again as I gelled back into my regular routine. This time around I was even more oblivious to the fact that I was somehow walking on the footsteps of my own father. One of my close friends tried to encourage me to stay away from drinking during this period. His argument was quite reasonable too but I was too distant to understand what he was trying to say at the moment. He advised me to quit right away as I was not yet too far into the drinking game and with some help I could kick the habit. Those words fell on deaf ears as I was too invested in my career. In the back of my head, I always thought that I had the courage to quit whenever I wanted. I had convinced myself that I was only using it as a tool to advance in my career and social life. Boy was I wrong!
My relationship with alcohol was getting complicated by the day as I still did not understand the underlying purpose of drinking. I knew a lot of people who drank recreationally and would often get away without fabricating a dependency. I couldn’t quite relate to those people either as I was mostly drinking by myself and under stressful situations. Sixteen months down the line and the impact of alcohol on my mental health had started to surface. I remember going into long and dramatic rants with my peers which would often turn into heated arguments. Even though I knew that this behavior had a lot of resemblance with my father’s when I was younger, I couldn’t care less about it as I was starting to lose my innate charm. Every day was getting more and more difficult to pass as I felt less energetic and motivated to get through even the most basic chores. Before I started drinking I never hit the gym a day in my life but still managed to stay lean and fit. That was not the case anymore as I was starting to show signs of fat gain. There was clearly some fat accumulation around the torso but even my legs and facial area were starting to feel bloated. My Mental health was also degrading rapidly and mood swings were getting more and more common as a big internal promotion started nearing at work. I was working fourteen hours without any significant breaks to get my numbers up on the performance charts. My body was getting weaker but by this time I was accustomed to feeling that way. The eventual collapse came a few days before the interview for the internal promotion. This time my stomach ulcers came back with bells and whistles. My skin had turned pale and I was barely able to get up from my bed. The pain was intense and anything that I put in was coming out either through the top or bottom.
I tried convincing my doctor to repeat the course from last time but he insisted that I come in for an endoscopy. The reports revealed that the ulcer had grown so much that it was blocking the food from getting into the digestive tract. I was told to get a surgery right away as it could lead to more serious issues if left untreated. I had never felt so weak, disillusioned, and unhappy in life before even though I’ve had my share of tough times. I knew that all my issues revolved around this alcohol dependency that I had developed but still couldn’t muster enough courage to ask for help. Today, I can gauge what was stopping me from seeking help but at that moment everything felt hazy. If it wasn’t for my mother taking a stand and forcing me to enter rehab, I probably would not have survived another episode of ulcers. It took a small intervention from some of the closest people in my life to finally clear out my thoughts and understand the impact of my actions. Realizing that I was indeed in a big fix and needed help to get out of it, was the first step towards recovery. I still think to this day, if I had been selfish that day, I would have destroyed many lives.
I applied for an extended medical leave and checked into a rehab back in my hometown. Something about being close to the place where I grew up, calmed me down and made me feel like I was home again. This was an important step towards kicking the alcohol dependence that I had developed over the last 24 or so months. I am one of those lucky people that could say that I was able to quit and stay sober in my first attempt. Many people are not as fortunate as I was and I could understand to an extent why. Alcohol pushes you into a dark and secluded space which only seems to get smaller and smaller by the day. Sooner or later you have to face your demons and choose what matters the most to you. I choose to live and spend more time with the people I love and care for. Today, I’m alive to share my story with my fiance and many others who are keen about how I was able to get out of this dark hole. Getting myself to admit that I had a problem with alcohol was definitely the hardest part of this journey. Fortunately, I was also accompanied by experts and many family members who were truly invested in my recovery. When I was at my lowest, I would often think about the people who choose to put their time and efforts in me. I had a very strong feeling about returning the favor to those lovely people and it encouraged me to take a stand against alcohol. I never went back to my old job and decided to turn my career into a completely new direction. I’m making less money than what I used to back in the day but I’ve never been happier knowing that my health is in my own hands now.
There is no doubt that the air around alcoholism has been stigmatized in the last few decades. This not only spread mis-information but also hampers the reach of safe drinking practices. In a world where mental health doesn’t get the attention it deserves, I think I was fortunate enough to be in the company of people who were open to dealing with unconventional issues. I can safely credit my life to these people who stepped up to pick me when I had fallen down. I know I can’t go back and change the mistakes I committed in the past but sharing this story with others empowers me to take a stance against alcohol in the future and encourage others to do so as well.
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