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My first introduction to alcohol was when I was 15. I was at a party at my soon to be boyfriend’s house. I drank cupfuls of wine and tequila and got blackout drunk, throwing up everywhere and passing out. I remember feeling sick for a week after that but it didn’t put me off. My drinking through my teenage years wasn’t anything out of the ordinary, the usual teenage rebellion type of thing but there was an edge to it. I was always the one who wanted to keep going, to have one more drink.
When I was 17 I started working at an upmarket establishment where important people could have their meetings, lunches, dinners etc. It was there that I met Josh, he was a chef. Even though he was 15 years older than me I felt drawn to him. The first night we went out, we went to a rugby game. He snuck us into one of the boxes. We drank of course and after we left the game, we went to score some meth. Now I had dabbled in weed, smoking it fairly regularly but this was my first time with hard drugs. What can I say, I enjoyed it! We smoked it out of a lightbulb then went to meet my friends in town where we carried on drinking.
This soon became a regular thing. I hung out with Josh more and more. Lying to my parents about what I was doing. Every weekend we hung out we would be drinking and using meth. It was around that time that one of Josh’s friends came to stay bringing with him a different type of buzz. He had morphine pills. Josh and his friend had used it before, but I hadn’t and I really wanted to try it. They injected it straight, I remember begging to try it too but they only allowed me to take it by mouth. The effect took a while to come on but it was beautiful. So calming and relaxing, like I was floating in a dream.
It wasn’t long before I was ready to inject it. This time instead of just crushing the pill and adding water, we went to a dealers house where he cooked it and turned it to heroin. After that, I was hooked. First it was once a month as a treat, then it was every weekend, soon it was everyday as if I didn’t have it I would feel sick. Alcohol was the fire starter. I would have a couple of drinks then instantly crave a hit of heroin. This carried on for a couple of years. I went through desperate cycles of stopping but not being able to stay stopped. It was a dark and miserable time in my life. It got to the stage where I knew I needed help so I went to rehab at age 21.
Rehab was a good experience. It was an 8 week inpatient course and I really enjoyed it. I slipped once on a weekend trip home but then went back and continued on to graduate. A week after I left I was back into drugs again. I think I only lasted that long as I went to Australia with my family. My drug use spiralled and I ended up in a relationship with my dealer. It was extremely messy, and extremely toxic. He cheated on me constantly but I couldn’t leave, I was trapped in addiction. When I was 23 by some miracle, I got pregnant! Absolutely the worst time it could happen. I didn’t go to the Dr until I was 6 months along, I was terrified. I ended up on the Methadone program and had a healthy baby. I was extremely lucky he turned out so perfect. I stayed with his dad for another year or so until the cheating just got too much. My son and I then moved into our own place.
A few months later I became friends with Andrea who was also on the methadone program. It was a toxic friendship from the start. Until then I hardly touched alcohol but that changed until I was drinking 12 plus cans of vodka cruisers a day. After a few years like this I had had enough and decided to move cities, my parents were moving back after years overseas so I wanted to be close to them for support.
Getting away was the best decision I could have made. It was just me and my son but we were happy. I felt free. I was still on the methadone, but was reducing my dose slowly. I still drank but not to excess and not all the time. I lost a lot of weight and looked and felt the best I had in a long time. After being a solo mum for 6 years, I went on tinder to try and meet someone. I went on numerous dates, some good, some awful! I ended up meeting my now partner. From our first date we were smitten. However, my drinking was creeping up again and had been slowly for a while. As my methadone decreased, I was subconsciously drinking more to compensate. I talked to my doctor who referred me to an outpatient clinic just up the road from where we lived. I completed a 12-week outpatient program of 2 meetings a week. I also attended counselling sessions once a week and saw a naturopath. It was at this time I realised I couldn’t keep drinking. It was becoming very problematic and I was drinking 2 bottles of wine a night.
I made a date to stop with my counsellor and I stopped drinking the day before that date. I actually don’t recall if I saw my doctor around that time. I know to stop drinking suddenly can be extremely dangerous. I think I spoke to the naturopath and made a plan with her. I took N A C powder to help with cravings and a kava tincture to help with my anxiety. I still went to work etc and carried on with everyday life. In terms of physical symptoms, I felt nauseous and had an upset stomach. My anxiety skyrocketed and I cried uncontrollably often. My partner was incredibly supportive and stopped drinking with me. I don’t think I could have done it otherwise. Although I hadn’t seen my doctor, I stayed in close communication with my counsellor and naturopath. The products I took from her really helped in those early days. I didn’t attend any AA or NA meetings at that stage. It took a good few weeks for me to feel somewhat normal. I experienced intense sugar cravings which I hear is normal. To be honest, that period is a bit of a blur. My partner broke his neck around a month before a stopped drinking so it was an incredibly stressful time. Looking back, I don’t know how I got through it! But I did, one day at a time.
It was quite a different experience detoxing it at home as opposed to in a rehab centre. I feel like I definitely had more intensive support in rehab. They gave me sleeping pills to help me through the withdrawals. I made some good friends who were going through the same things. We had classes everyday talking about PAWS, relapse prevention, looking after ourselves. We also had individual counselling but I didn’t really click with my counsellor. We had to attend an AA or NA meeting every weeknight which I found helped a lot. We had to do chores, do the grocery shopping, make a meal plan and we took turns cooking. We had wake up times and bedtimes. The structure and routine was really helpful I found and it got us into good habits for when we went home. I think I was just too young and not ready to quit when I went to rehab. I was 21 then compared to 31 when I stopped drinking. I suppose detoxing at home wasn’t so bad as I wasn’t yet drinking enough for it to be dangerous to stop. The lack of intensive support made it harder, as did having to carry on with everyday life. At rehab I could purely focus on myself and my addiction. At home i had work, kids to look after and housework to do. All while trying to keep it together emotionally. Cravings hit me really hard and I had to white knuckle it through those at home, whereas in rehab I had people around me all the time that could help.
At this current point in time I am 4.5 years sober! I haven’t had a drink since the day I quit in 2015. I am still decreasing off the methadone. I am down to 17mg from 100mg so I’m almost there, it is a very slow process for me. When it comes to the very end I would definitely choose to go into a hospital/ inpatient program. That way I can be medically monitored and have support on hand when I need it. I can also take the time to focus on myself without any distractions or interruptions. I find it a lot easier to be around alcohol now. Not drinking is just an automatic choice. I definitely still get cravings but they are not as severe and I am able to work through them. I still miss drinking; I think I always will. Alcohol is everywhere and is socially acceptable which makes it hard. There is no way I would want to go back to drinking, I am a better mum, partner and person without it. I’m so grateful to be where I am today.
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