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Chapter 1: Dealing with an alcoholic reality
My story is not any more different from any other stories from people who had an alcoholic parent. But it affected me in many ways in my life. When I was just a little boy, everything was alright. I had the best parents in the world, both were very caring. One situation, however, changed my and my mother’s life forever.
Mother found out that my father has had an affair, not once, not twice… she had an emotional breakdown because she loved him very much. I will always remember the sweet days, when they were happy together. When they were happy, I was happy as well. My father then left us and myself and my mother were left alone.
She started to drink. A lot. It happened when I started attending school. It affected me in many ways. I have always been a happy kid but after this incident, I became emotionally drained. Because my mom did not care about me, I felt like I am alone in this world. I could not make any friends. All the children thought I was weird and did not want to talk to me. Some of them started to bully me… I did not know where I am happier… if it is at home, where my mother is always drunk or in school where I don’t belong.
My mother used to tell me I am ugly and that I don’t deserve anything good. I don’t want to think about it in any more depth as it affected me a lot and I don’t want to remind myself the emotions I had because it affected me a lot. She was so drunk and depressed all the time. She lost her job and when I turned fifteen, I tried to find some part-time job so that I help her out a bit. Thanks to that experience I have grown strong. I never stopped loving her as I knew she loved my father so much and that incident broke her completely. I was confused in my early years, but I also had understanding grandparent, where I used to live from time to time when my mother got angry and started smashing things… glasses of alcohol, painting on the walls, everything.
Later, the situation got better a bit. I could not go to high school as our financial situation was not very good, but I managed to find myself a good job. My grandparents supported me, and we tried to help my mother together. They moved in my mother’s apartment and tried to help her out. What my mother needed was apparently a company because she has been left alone as I did. My grandma wanted to move in years before but could not because my grandma has had some serious health problems.
When I turned eighteen, my mother got a new job and started looking fresh. She hasn’t touched alcohol in the past four months, and we were all happy for her. My grandparents had to move out from her house because she found herself a boyfriend. He was brilliant, he was very caring and helpful man. My mother was feeling happy again. I started attending high school and things were looking to go well. And it seemed that all the past will be marked as just a scar on our hearts. But I was so wrong.
She found out the man cheated on her and then she dumped him. She started to drink again. What was different this time was that her father died so she was drunk constantly because of it. She left her job again and was left in despair, hopelessness, so was I. I had a girlfriend but had to break up with her because I needed to take care about my mother, and I had massive mood swings. I was a grown man and I thought I can deal with this problem a lot better this time, but I was so wrong about this as well.
This situation was a nightmare. She had terrible states of mind. She now felt alone more than ever before because it happened to her for the second time in her life and she thought it was her fault, that’s she wasn’t good enough for them. I was reassuring her that both my father and the new man weren’t good partners for her and that it is certainly not her fault, but she didn’t feel any better. Since I was older now, I tried to communicate with her on a mature level and reassured her that I will always be there for her as she is my mother and I love her. But things were worse also because she lost one of her parents and that seemed to break her even more than her cheating partner.
I had a job, so I tried to bring as much money as possible, but it did not make any things better. I started to drink as well because all the childhood trauma finally affected me in the worst way possible. My personality is a lot as hers, we are both very melancholic, seeking for a loving partner. I have it due to my lack of emotional support from my parents in childhood and I know she was in similar situation where my grandpa, who has recently passed, was an alcohol addict as well.
I lost my job. Now our financial situation was horrible. We had to sell our house and we had to live on street for three years. That was the worst part of my life. You cannot imagine the dirtiness, terrible physical appearance of me and my mother who turned sixty by then. We were talking to random people, asking them for money. I was telling this story in a shorten version and a lot of people fortunately felt sad for us and gave us a lot of money. I managed to stop drinking completely and tried to find a job again so we can rent an apartment. I wanted to completely remove this era from my life.
This somehow also changed my mother, she realised that she had everything even when she thought she lost everything. She lost her husband and boyfriend but most importantly she lost herself in the process. After this experience, she tried to stop drinking, which was quite hard for her in the beginning, but she found an inspiration in me. I had a job again and we could finally rent an apartment. My mother managed to quit drinking completely.
Then, before she has passed, we had a longsome discussion. She told me that what really helped her was the loss of our apartment and pride. We had to live on streets and that changed her, and she realised many things. She felt very grateful that I was there for her as well, we had this terrible life experience together… she then felt sorry that she wasn’t a good mother to me especially when I needed her the most. I told her that I understand her and that I think that if I was her, I would react just the same.
There is a thing for you people. Even if you think you have lost everything, you will realise how wrong where you when you really lose everything… your house, your pride, your humanity. Be grateful for what you have because you could lose it any time. My story is not unique, it could happen to everyone.
Chapter 2: Detoxing at home
Years before she has passed, she had to stop drinking completely which was a long process. Before we move to the period, when we both bought a new apartment and stopped living on streets, there were many attempts to quit drinking alcohol before, but they were all unsuccessful. I remember that one of the most promising was when my grandparents moved in our apartment.
As I mentioned, my grandpa had serious addiction to alcohol in the past, but it was cured by his wife, my grandma so she was quite experienced with dealing with an alcohol addict. However, my grandpa’s reason why he started drinking was quite different. He started to drink because my grandma had a terrible car accident and she almost died in hospital. My grandpa loved her so much that he could not imagine his life without her. When the doctors told him that she probably won’t survive, he started to drink alcohol daily, and carried on even when grandma survived and got out from the hospital.
She tried several methods she used to do with her husband, my grandpa. She tried to hide all the alcoholic drinks she spotted and when my mother found them anyway, she was then throwing all the bottles out. But this did not change a thing. My mother simply went to a store and bought herself a ton of new bottles and hide it from my grandparents. She also became very angry towards my grandma and my grandma was sad because of it.
She tried to reach out to her and tried to discuss it with her, but my mom was so self-defensive and passively aggressive that my grandma usually started to cry in the process. I tried to calm her, but she believed she can’t help my mother because she lost her mind a long time ago when her husband left her for another woman. But I believed it was because she did not know how to talk to my mother as they did not understand each other when my mother was younger.
My grandpa also tried several techniques. He tried to talk to her in a more empathic view. He told her that’s okay she lost her husband, but she has to be strong and take care of me because I am the only one who will always stay with her as she is my mother. It seemed like this method could help but then my mother got so upset and told her father that he doesn’t know a thing about her feelings and her situation and that he simply doesn’t know how to help her and he never behaved like a father would. He then told her that she is not allowed to say that because she doesn’t behave as a mother.
I also tried to help her out. I wanted to seek a professional help, but my mother was strongly against it as she told me that she is not addict and that she doesn’t have any problems. I did not believe a word she said but when I started drinking as well, I realised an addict person really doesn’t allow himself to believe that there is something wrong with him, that he is addict. No, the addict people always believe that they are well, that everything is alright and that their sibling are just paranoid or worse – it’s all their fault!
Many years passed and we ended up on streets. Both miserable… without a job or a place to stay. My mother then realised that there really was a problem with her and that she was so blind that she did not realise it earlier. Just when she lost her apartment and everything, she gained the clear wisdom. We both realised that there is no cure, no ability to detox successfully at home because people just can’t and won’t allow themselves to think or believe that there is something wrong with them.
My mother’s brother, my uncle was also an alcohol addict, but he did not make it and passed away. I can say that he drunk himself to death. His story was quite different than ours, but he is another example of the truth that you can’t detox from being an alcohol addict at home. All the people have to seek a professional help. Their siblings have to tell them there is something wrong with them and they have to make them to believe it as well.
The addicts have to realise it. I know it’s difficult. But my mother told me this: “I know that I was mad when you talked to me and tried to help me out and I did not listen. But now, I want to thank you for it because without you, I’d be dead years ago as I’d end up as my brother.”
Talk to your siblings who are addicts and tell them you are there with them.
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