This is a reader story. We believe in providing our readers with a space for them to share their story however they see fit. The thoughts and views expressed are that of the author and should be treated as such. If you wish to share your own stories please see here for more information.
The author who sent this story to us chose to remain anonymous.
My experience with alcohol addiction taught me quite a few life lessons, lessons that I’m lucky enough to practise in real life now. In my case, drinking started off as a casual habit as it does for many of us. Getting wasted during college days was a routine and my drinking capacity was something that I used to take pride in. Drinking while you are still young is a different experience. Your metabolism is high and your body strength to endure alcohol is much higher. I could wake up with a hangover and still function during the day.
It is quite easy to ignore the fact that the more you drink, the more your dependency on alcohol goes up, which is what happened in my case. I’m 6 feet tall and I used to weigh around 175 pounds when I started drinking. I was a physically fit young guy and never had any serious health issues in my life. I was pursuing a degree in engineering and had a part time job in college. My days were extremely busy during college, juggling between classes, a job and going out with friends almost every night. I hardly took any days off to rest and let my body heal.
Drinking obviously was a huge part of my lifestyle, everyone around me was doing it and I had no reason to not do it, it was as simple as that. Beer was my favourite and I could not get enough of it. With a decent capacity to hold down my liquor, I would only stop when I was about to pass out.
I never had any anger issues, I’m a Zen guy as they say and I love having a good time, but when there is a large amount of alcohol involved on a daily basis, inevitably there are going to be incidents like fights or rage bursts. I was once kicked out of a bar along with my friends quite aggressively by the bouncers, when all we did was defend a girl who was getting harassed by a rich guy.
Cops were called in but they did not get there until we were pulling out of the parking lot, that is when we were apprehended by the police and I was charged with DUI. I did not blame anyone in that situation, because when there is so much alcohol involved, it was hard to keep track of the whole situation and once I realised it would not be worth the fight, I accepted the charges.
We all said some things that we regret and at the end of the day I had some bruises to show for it, the other guy however, who had more money and contacts got to live under the illusion of winning the whole situation.
Alcohol has become so deeply engraved in our social culture that I almost felt compelled to drink when I was young. There is evidence of there being a lack of education amongst young people with regards to drugs and alcohol in our country. This leads to poor decision making by young people and that destroys lives. I was a victim of similar poor decisions I made in my life, almost subconsciously. After 10 years of serious alcohol abuse I had started to realise that I had developed a daily need for alcohol. It was becoming physically and mentally clear that I needed alcohol every day in order to function properly and feel good within my head.
I was not drinking beer anymore after I graduated. I had gradually started drinking hard liquor during my late 20’s. After my graduation I landed a job with a construction company. It was during this time I met Elizabeth (name changed) at work and we started dating. She was an incredible human being with a huge heart. We soon realised how fond of each other we were, and our relationship got serious over the next three years.
I had a student and a personal loan which I had taken out to help someone in the family that I wanted to pay off before I got married. This was like a personal goal me and my girlfriend had together, we wanted to pay off the debt as soon as possible and open our own business. Hard work did not scare me and I knew I had to put in those hours to get what I wanted. I was working 60 hours a week, 12 hours a day. I had started to realise that drinking was the only way I could get myself to fall asleep.
My body was working overtime during the day on the job and with the alcohol abuse during night. I slowly started to gain weight around my waist. Even till this point I had never had a serious health issue, which gave me the impression that I was doing everything right. I could hold my liquor very well, so there was never any intervention from friends or family regarding my drinking habit. But there were clear signs of alcohol abuse that I ignored, like dark circles and bags around my eyes, my hair getting thinner and the obvious weight gain. Till now I had no problems with drinking as long as it made me feel good in the moment and helped me sleep.
The cloud of ambiguity soon cleared and our lives were thrown into a whirlpool of emotions, when my girlfriend was diagnosed with a tumour in her brain. She had been suffering from mild headaches and nausea for a long time, but those symptoms got ignored over the years because of our lifestyle. Soon after the headaches got worse, we went to see the doctor, and after a series of hospital visits it was confirmed that she had a stage 3 tumour.
This time was very critical in my life, everything after that revolved around Elizabeth and I did not care or look after myself much. I was basically a shell of a person just going along a looped routine. I had gone numb watching the love of my life go through excruciating pain and stressful chemo sessions, and drinking was the only way I could calm my screaming nerves and feel something. Over the next year she bravely fought her battle with cancer however in the end she was taken away from us.
Going through trauma has instigated a great sense of respect in me towards other people who go through pain and hardship. I realised how easy it is for us to just go with the flow of life when everything is going good, and ignore a whole other perspective of life. At the time when we lost her, I was still quite young, under a lot of debt and lacked experience in dealing with trauma. To say the least, I am not proud of the way I handled things back then.
I fell back on drinking like there was no tomorrow. I had completely given up on the thought of having a normal life, and contrary to my natural behaviour, I isolated myself from friends and family. I did not know how to handle the thoughts and emotions that follow the loss of someone you truly loved. Alcohol fills up these voids in you when you are already susceptible to it. I was barely performing at work, that led to a demotion and that only added fuel to the agony I was already feeling.
I put on 30 pounds within twelve months. When I looked at myself in the mirror, I realised I looked much different, but I did not care. One night I was out of booze, so I decided to drive to the local store and pick up some. On my way back I missed a stop sign and luckily there was a police cruiser at my tail. I was charged with my second DUI on that day. I was a fairly rational person, so at the back of my head I knew I was not supposed to live like this. But my inexperienced narcissistic brain did not care yet.
My world came to a halt one day, when I started having seizures and passed out on my floor. My body had bloated up to almost double its size. A few days before this incident, I had come across a documentary about farm animals and the cruelty they face for the sake of the meat industry. That documentary hit me quite hard, and I was depressed beyond my known limits.
That emotional roller coaster sent me into a drinking binge that lasted a week. I lost track of how much I was drinking as I was ordering my booze online. I took a medical leave from work, after I failed to report to work and they called me to check on me. This binge lasted eight days before I collapsed on my floor and my friends found me in the most horrible state they have ever seen me. Due to excessive drinking my body had lost a lot of minerals and vitamins, so my muscles had filled up with water leading my body to bloat up to almost twice its size.
The next few days were spent in the hospital in tormenting pain and regret. The medical procedure to remove the retained water from the body takes weeks and the feeling can only be described as horrible. I knew that after I recovered from this backlash, I was facing a disease and I needed help, it was just about time I asked for it. Luckily for me there was plenty of help at the time. My family and friends did their best to make me feel better, and honestly that was all I needed. I knew it was me who would eventually have to face the consequences of my actions.
I thought about what Elizabeth would want for me. I knew she wouldn’t want me to be where I was. I harvested motivation out of my misery because I did not want to be sad anymore. This renewed feeling of life was very refreshing and I was finally able to give closure to my loss of Elizabeth. I knew alcohol is just another tool we used to overcome sadness, social barriers and such issues. So I decided I would find ways to be happy with what I have in my life and not give alcohol the importance I was giving it previously. This was my first and last time I was coming to an understanding that alcohol was never there to help me or that I needed it. I chose not to go to a rehab as I was already tight on money and decided that I will endure this on my own.
In the abstract I was doing really well, recovering from the health complications I had developed from drinking. Management at my workplace were very understanding and they supported me in getting through my crisis. I could not have asked for better people in my life helping me out in the moment when I needed it the most, and I will always be indebted to these wonderful people. A couple of months passed easily and I never had much craving mainly because I was recovering from a major health condition.
One of my best friends even got me on a routine where we would go to the gym and workout. As a few months passed and I started to feel like I was getting back to my regular self, I could easily point out the instances when I would feel the urge to drink. I kept a mental note of all these situations and tried my very best to avoid them. As far as I knew, I was done with the devils brew. So I started focusing on everything that made me happy once, and in the long run also made me a better human being.
I knew it was an uphill battle but I was determined to see myself pass through it. I remembered I used to play guitar as a kid and how magical it was to play along to my favourite songs or to my family and friends. So I decided I wanted to learn guitar again and I joined weekend classes at a local music store. This is where I met my wife. Susan (name changed) and I married two years later and I cannot be happier or in a better place than I am right now. In the beginning when we were friends, Susan suggested that I should give Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) a try. AA was another life changing experience for me. It would change the way I perceive a lot of things in life.
Alcoholics Anonymous was the first time I got in touch with other people who were recovering addicts. This was my first time getting out of my own bubble of trauma and experiencing stories of other people who are also looking for help and compassion. I felt very welcomed by everyone in the group on the very first day.
Everyone in the meeting helped me transition from a shy newcomer to an active member of the group. Listening to other stories not only helped me deal with my own weaknesses but it grew a bond between all members. I understood the importance of sharing our pain and happiness with others, which gives us strength as a society and diminishes our differences.
As a recovering addict I understood that how you feel about yourself and the world depends on the kind of lifestyle you choose. Alcohol when consumed responsibly actually works in your favour. I learned that scientific studies show that alcohol in moderate amounts is good for your heart and kidney. It also helps regulate your mood and relieve stress. The problems start coming into the picture once we start abusing alcohol and start using it for purposes it was not meant to be. This is a worrying concern for all of us because deceptive marketing strategies and lack of proper education victimises thousands of people every year. So many people lose their lives because they either did not realise that they needed help or could not get help. I understand that we all have different life stories and have been shaped differently by consequences, and the best anyone could do in these times is offer help.
I feel I am very fortunate to have experienced both sides of the stories. There was a moment when I did not know if I would survive to live another day, because I had let careless decisions ruin my life. I feel terribly sad for people out there who did not get their chance at redemption. There are people in my life that have sacrificed for me and stood up for me and looking at those people I get feel humbled every time. Now I have a beautiful family, a lovely daughter and an amazing group of friends who make my life incredible every day. I will always be indebted to the people who helped me and I’m doing my best to provide my support to anyone who needs it. In the end, Me 1 – Alcohol 0.
Leave a Reply