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The author wished to remain anonymous.
My battle with alcohol truly began in 2009. I was 25, engaged to be married in February 2010, and was still young and stupid. One day, it was a Saturday, I went to the home of a guy I had met at the bank I worked at as Teller Supervisor. He had copious amounts of vodka, so I drank it and kept drinking it. In my naivete, I failed to realize the impact of drinking vodka would have on my senses. I was shit-faced drunk and should not have been allowed to get in my car, but no one cared to take away my keys and let me sleep off my drunken stupor.
I hit the highway to head home. The next thing I remember is waking up to the sounds of a police siren and the carnage that my decision to drive while drunk. Apparently, I blacked out behind the wheel and hit a car with a family (including a child!) Thankfully, no one was hurt that night. I was arrested on the spot after the police officer had me try a balancing exercise to determine if I was under the influence. I failed miserably and fell to the ground. The next thing I know I was handcuffed (my first time), in the back of a police cruiser (my first time), processed at the station (my first time), and thrown into the drunk tank for six hours to sober up (also my first time behind the cold steel bars of a holding cell). What a terrible night of firsts
This was truly only the beginning of my downward spiral and dependence on alcohol. After getting married, I was fired from my cushy job at the bank because I did not notify them of my DUI arrest. I then had a court date where I was sentenced to a suspended sentence of six months and three days in an adult detention center. Life really sucked. I had just been married. My life was supposed to get better. But because of the mistake of driving while highly intoxicated, my life was spiraling downwards. Losing my cushy and high-paying job in banking came as a monumental fuck-up. My confidence was affected and I felt like a failure. I became depressed and would work odd jobs to make ends meet and pay our bills. I was so depressed, it was a very dark time for me. There were many times that I thought about ending my life.
It was in this severe depression that I would turn to the one thing in my life that made me numb to the reality of my shitty situation. I would buy vodka after getting off from my odd jobs and drink on the way home. Not just drink, I would chug 98 proof vodka so I would really get numb and forget about my real-life problems. By the time I made it home I was good and hammered. I was a terrible partner to my wife. I would often be verbally abusive and oftentimes I was sick and puking my brains out in the toilet. This was the life I had given my wife. I was a complete fucking idiot and my wife stuck with me.
This “getting drunk from vodka after the odd jobs” phase continued for three years until the birth of my first daughter, Sariya (pronounced Sa-ree-ya), in 2013. That was motivation. Motivation to get my life back on track and be the father my daughter needs me to be. I applied for bank jobs. I finally landed a position as a Teller in 2014. It wasn’t what I dreamed of, but it was a start. After six months I was offered the role of Synergy System Administrator which came with a pay increase and a nice office.
I was on the come-up. I was gaining confidence again that I might be able to regain my confidence, be a husband that my wife could be proud of, and be a good father to Sariya. In 2015, Sanya (pronounced San-ya), my second daughter, made her way into my life and I fell in love with living again. I was reinvigorated and thriving at work, at home, and depression permeated my mind less often.
My reasons to give up alcohol included wanting to be there to love and guide my two daughters and wanting to make my wife proud of me again. It was only with the birth of my first daughter that I came out of this stupor I was in. I was made to face alcoholism head-on. I asked myself what kind of man/father I want to be. I am glad I still had the facilities to choose to fight the addiction. I was powerful enough to say NO MORE. No more feeling shitty and terrible in the presence of my wife and family because I had given in to the desire to become numb through alcohol abuse. My reason to defeat the demon was family. It’s important to find a reason or reasons to be.
The specter of alcohol still, even now, tries to rear its ugly head on days where I feel depressed for whatever reason. When that does happen, all I have to do is look at my nine-year-old and six-year-old for the strength to shun those weak thoughts. Family is first, family is the reason for my sobriety. What is yours?
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