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The author is Cassidy McCannon from Texas, USA.
Everyone’s sobriety story is different, not everyone has relapses but some people do. I’m one of those chronic relapsers. I’m 29 years old, and will be 8 months sober when I turn 30. I never really thought I was going to sober up. I had lost everything. I lost my apartment, the girl I planned to marry (call her mj), my awesome job, almost lost my family. 2019 was spent crashing at my mom’s, sick and sad, pushing everyone away from me and destroying everything I possibly could.
I slowly started considering sobriety in June 2019. One day I woke up and realized it was time to go to treatment. That was September 17, 2019. I was in treatment by the end of the day.
That was my first time at treatment, and I had a very hard time with the higher power concept. A lot of things about alcoholics anonymous were confusing to me. What does it mean to keep it simple? How do I know I need a meeting? I never even realized what a craving for alcohol was until I sobered up for a few weeks. I relapsed within days of leaving the 30 day program, and I let myself go for a few weeks.
I went back to the same treatment center 4 times and each was an amazing experience. I wish relapse wasn’t a part of my recovery story, but it is completely normal and every recovery journey is different. I never let it keep me from attaining the ultimate goal of sobriety. I would get 30 days here and there, once got to 43 days. It was always the same thoughts- I can drink this and it will be perfectly okay, I don’t have to tell my sponsor or any of the many people In my support group.
I stayed in a few sober homes and they were great, but I still relapsed. I was passed out drunk on the couch in one home and the cops dragged me out, I am lucky I didn’t go to jail. I was honest with the house manager the second time, and moved out the following day.
I tried a free treatment center in early February that didn’t work out too well for me, and I relapsed pretty much as soon as I walked out the doors.
From about February 20th through April 25, I was basically blacked out. The girl I had wanted to marry, MJ, had been trying to give me chances and I kept blowing them. On the 21st of February she came to tell me we were over for good. I was drunk, I didn’t want to let her leave. A man stepped in to help her and he broke my eye socket and ribs. I had a serious concussion and I just kept drinking.
In early March 2020 I lost work due to the covid 19 shutdowns. That was a perfect excuse for me to spiral even further. I would be sober a few times a week but never really stopped. I found out MJ moved from Texas to California with someone else and I DRANK. I was still in touch with my sobriety support group but without in person meetings, my community that I relied on so heavily was suddenly taken from me. I felt I had no reason to stop drinking, no reason to pick myself up and be the person I’m meant to be.
April 25th I decided I was done. I gave it up. I quit. I was in pain for a few days and then, MJ got me a plane ticket to California, she and I were going to drive back to Texas together.
I knew this was it, my higher power gave me the strength to realize I was done and would never drink again and then placed MJ back in my life. I had a brand new bottle, and I poured it out before I got on the plane April 26th.
Today I am 83 days sober, I am close to 90 days for the first time. I attend virtual meetings 3-4 times a week. I haven’t worked my steps yet, but my sober community is necessary for me to stay sober. Communicating with MJ about my honest cravings and confusions has been a bit of a struggle but completely worth it. Her and my mother don’t like hearing some of my ridiculous alcoholic thoughts, but they’re learning to understand me. I don’t like hearing that they might have trouble trusting me, but I’m learning to understand them.
This is my first time living life as a sober adult. Everything I thought I knew about myself was so watered down. All the bad things were accentuated. I’ve learned I’m compassionate, creative, inspiring, active, health conscious, easy to talk to, helpful, and so many other good qualities that I never would have attributed to myself. When I think of all the dirty, rotten, terrible things I’ve done I know that person is long gone.
Since sobering up, things have been difficult. My Nana passed away and she was one of my heroes, I wanted to be just like her. I loved her so much. But my spirit is okay, I worked through those emotions like a real human being. Now that I’m sober I am going to learn how to play the piano just like she would play it. In her obituary it said she didn’t learn piano until she was 32, so I will follow in her footsteps.
My dog also ended up with bladder stones, which can be lethal if left untreated. I wasn’t working so I had no money, I was stressed and scared and sad but I knew it was going to be okay and let go of wanting to have control. I let god take care of it and everything turned out well, oreo is perfectly fine and healing up from surgery.
Today I live my life with a clear conscience, with a healthy body, with healthy thoughts. I don’t lie, I rest my head every night knowing things are right. MJ and I are married and happy self quarantined with our dog and my mom. I have a job that I don’t love but I go to work and I do it happily and extremely well.
The future has never looked brighter. Everything is happening, slowly but surely. The baby steps are the worst, but once you get your footing, you’ll be running in no time.
Another Alcoholics Anonymous one liner that I never quite understood was “trust the process.” But until you let everything happen, until you let go absolutely and allow your life to take shape in front of you, you won’t be able to understand that phrase. I want to encourage everyone to allow their lives and their true selves to flourish away from the influence of the darkness that wishes to suck you dry.
Don’t give up two minutes before the miracle happens.
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